That Source of Strength

My heart has been heavy and burdened by the many who are struggling with their own trial, whether it is financial, illness, death, grief, new diagnosis, families needing to move in to crowded situations, or whatever troubles their heart. I see firsthand how many choose to respond to it, so many with the determination and faith, although extremely tested, and some with substances or other things to dull the pain. I must say, that I have never understood how those who cannot pay bills, or buy groceries, can find the way to spend the many dollars on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, let alone abuse the body that is theirs. But as I have talked about before, we all have our own forms of addiction, and kudos to those who have found the support and conditions to face their own truths and demoms without benefit of being numb and naive. I pray to God that I do not cast stones or make judgement, I surely have my own "addictions" that some might question, but I think I am just simply coming to a place in my life where, when the conditions continue, and the years and years go by, and those folks don't seek some sort of change of pattern or behavior, and continue to live under those very circumstances, well, I don't know how supportive I can be. I can accept them, care, tend, listen, but it is wearing on me now, even more than ever, now that every step takes strength and courage and determination, and every second carries an emotional fatigue that I have never known before.

Some of these situations occur, and they are not at all by our own design. Some are by our own making and our own decisions. That doesn't make the situation more, or less, tolerable, it just is as it is. So many do not see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, and how can they. They don't know where to turn, how to even begin, so some take the route that is a little easier, takes the edge off, and soon, they can smile, or hope, or have a good time, if only for a moment. But what I have found is that the situation is still there in the morning, after the effects wear off, when it is all said and done, it must be dealt with. I thank God that I have Him to turn to for truth and comfort. I thank Him every day that He is MY source of strength, that without Him who knows where I would be, what I would do, and as He truly knows how I want to numb this pain, this shadow, to let grief go for just an hour, He provides many opportunities for me to seize.

I opened the bible this morning needing some words of wisdom and comfort. You see, we are having a family gathering. And as always, now, she is not here. Maybe she wouldn't be anyway, maybe she would be in school or off to Africa by now (one of her last desires of her life...another story of who she was, and is:). Nevertheless, there is still that missing piece, always will be. We laugh, we eat, we may play games, but when the family gathers, there is that recognizable loss, that gut wrenching realization that she will never join us again. Maneuvering through that concept still takes my breath away. But her candle shines brightly, now, not just when we have gatherings, but continually (thanks to the invention of flameless votives:). She shines and we find our way.

As for the words that jumped out at me from the page from the book of Phillipians, 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

I can't say I have learned the full secret, I am a work in progress, but each day I get the opportunity to make the changes needed to adapt to my own situation, pain, trial, and loss in this spiritual journey. One day I will need to make peace and be accountable to the God who awaits, and I am thankful He is giving me time to do so, to live the life He has desired and designed. No, not easy, not without intense struggles, that didn't begin with a cancer diagnosis, but began the day I was born. I have had a blessed life, but I have had to overcome much, maybe not by the standards of others, and what they have had to endure. But we cannot compare. My burden is my own, others are their own, this is mine for now, who knows what the turn of the clock will bring. Whatever it does bring, I want to be ready, live with that source of strength that helps me find my way, the higher power of God almighty, who is my light and my way. It's only by His own grace that I am standing strong, smiling, and remaining hopeful for my future.