I suppose we all experience our personal moments in life, our "ahh haaaa" moments, when we know there is a God. He can remain a mystery, and we don't know much about Him, we cannot comprehend His spirit and the depths to which it can reach, but we begin to know He exists. Our spiritual walk is enlightened and we believe. We cling to the hope and faith of a loving God, not one who imposes disaster, disease, destruction, pain, loss, rather one who is there to love and support and guide and teach, and to be our constant companion. Often times, in my life, I mainly turned to Him when I was in need. That's what I was taught and so, I followed suit, that you turned to Him in times of trouble. Yes, you gave thanks or said "grace" at the table on those rare occasions, or rejoiced when something went well, but we never really bowed on bended knee when life was going beautifully. It was only over time, years and years, that I began to understand how to praise Him and love Him and know Him. It was only over a long span of years that I began to ask Him what He wanted from me, or ask Him to give me strength, or to show me the way, or to guide me, or to help me make a decision. I tried to be a good listener and heed His word and His way. I followed His advice, knowing that He brought people into my life for His own purpose, those who have stayed awhile, those who were mere acquaintances, those who are still with me. I have said it many times, and I will say it again, my deeper and more personal walk with God started when my mother passed away before my very eyes. It was at that moment that I knew even more than I did before that God not only existed, but that He was with ME. And at that time, I put all my faith and trust in Him, and have, ever since.
Of course, I have faltered. I thought I was the one in control during certain times, and Allison's cancer diagnosis was no exception. I was so distraught with what my child was going through that I was convinced there was something I could do. Little did I know that eleven weeks later, she, too, would find the sweet peace of leaving us and entering the heavenly Kingdom of the God I have come to know, who she also knew and loved, and trusted. Even at such a young life, she taught me about His own grace and mercy that had taken me years to know. She left us so easily at the end because of the love of her Heavenly Father.
When others have asked how I go on, or how I live without the presence of my daughter, I have always answered the same...it's by the true grace of God and only Him. But I must admit I am learning more and more about His grace with each passing day. I may learn it through my readings, the stories of those who lived in Biblical times that faced suffering, persecution, pain, yet with faith in their God, they persevered and rose above to new heights. I may learn about His grace through the peace that comes when I walk in complete faith that His Will is all I need. I recall a time during Allison's weeks of pain and diagnosis, procedure and treatment, one after the other, fatigue and pain setting, that we prayed and we found peace in knowing we cannot control the raging cancer, but trusting that God's Will would be done was all we needed. The peace and comfort that came enabled us to all enjoy the remaining days and weeks we had together. We didn't know how many there would be, we thought there would be years, but in that moment of trust, we knew to live the moment as if it were all we had. It was, and is, still, a beautiful part of a painful journey. The peace that passes all understanding when we give it to God's hands.
It surely is not always easy to "see" the plan God has for my life. I have asked myself hundreds of times, how does losing my daughter to the rarest of cancers for a young lady her age happen in this family, and what am I supposed to do with this? How am I supposed to keep going? I ask God questions every day of my life. I suppose I always will. Before, I used to ask Him questions of another sort. Things that seem more mundane now, because all of the circumstances of my life seem rather trite and insignificant. But they aren't. They were meant to be. They were to bring me to the place where I am in this significant moment. There is peace and contentment when I no longer try to figure it out, to let go and let God, as the saying goes. But literally living that through each step of life, well, there is a freedom and a peace that just cannot be explained. God's Will WILL be done, and that's the way it is.
I have come to understand through my spiritual journey that there is indeed a bigger picture. Every thing and person under heaven is brought into my life for full purpose. I see it when I look back. I understand it all. And as I have known in my heart, God has used Allison in powerful ways, and still does. I don't expect others to understand that. And I am not saying I wouldn't want to turn back the clock and have this be the nightmare it has felt like, in the dark of night, in the light of day. But as I learn to live life without her physical presence, it is so easy to see how all the parts of the puzzle fit.
In the book of Jeremiah, 29:11, it says, "I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord. I no longer sit and wait to see, I read His word, I study, I praise, I hear, and I know. I don't know where I am going, but I know how to trust and hold true to faith, and I know that when I get there, miraculous blessings will occur. I used to hold Allison's hands and tell her that she is going to receive her miracle. I knew not what it was, nor did she. I know not what mine is, I just know that we receive them when we believe. They may not "look" like the miracle WE desire or seek, but they are there, nevertheless. I know His plan for me is beautiful, I can see it all connected as I look back, and as I live this day in service and love for Him, I know that it is all in His timing, not mine. He knows the perfect moments, I do not.
I start and end my day with the simple words, "teach me to do your will, may your spirit lead me in the direction you desire". Those words helped us all accept a passing of a life from this world to the next, and they help me get through anything and everything in between.
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