Repeat After Myself

Today is one of those days where affirmations come in very handy and are a MUST for survival. Some days are just like this and they cannot be helped. Grief takes hold and the mystery of life and death is overwhelming. When I took Rex for a very long walk, there it was, the sound of spring. Faint sounds of birds, a beautiful blue sky and a touch of warmth in the sun, just a touch, but still, there it was, and is, and we welcome it. And, again, we are on the heels of March, that month that brings most of our souls to a new place. That month when we can begin to shed the winter coats, and by month's end, maybe even wear a pair of sandals or capri pants. That month that we long await, especially this year with the long winter almost behind us now. Sure, there will be a resurgence, maybe a snowstorm, some bitter cold or windy days, but we will get that glimpse, that glimmer, that tease that we are about to be warmed by God's goodness in the form of a new season.

The colors will burst, and all will be well. Still, with no time frame in mind, I cannot deny that with the hope of spring and promise, I long, with every fiber of my being to touch her cheek, to feel that vibrancy, other than to know it in my heart. I am tired of this way of living. Yet, I don't have a choice. Thus, the affirmations, those words that must come, out loud, or through tears, or even through smiles. Those words that help me know and believe she is really gone, and not coming back. Some may say, it's your third, well fourth spring now, but the first ones don't count, to me. I don't know if they ever will, because there is no counting when it comes to a time frame of loss. I only know it is what I must travel with, the seasons of the year, the changes, and yet, no physical presence of my beloved daughter. For sure, we do all we can to seize the day, praise God for the true blessings that we do have, but I cannot deny that I would give so much to have that one more day, that chance to hear the birds together, to walk the dog around the block as we did with Barkley on those days when she could still walk strong, that opportunity to birthday shop and have lunch in a cheery, bright restaurant, savoring the time that seems to stand still when you are with someone you love. I cannot deny that there are days I must do all I can just to get to the next moment. So, today, in spite of my cold and sinus infection, I chose to dust and make cheery a house that has a missing part, bring light into darkness, make my world shine as best I can, with the clean, crisp look of the smiling faces of both my daughters looking back at me, holding on to each other, to their dog, to us, to their life. So much is captured in the essence of a photo, and as I look into their eyes, I say out loud, I repeat after myself, "I can do this", "God, with your strength and wisdom, I don't know how, but I will make it, you will show me", "I know not what tomorrow brings so for this moment, I must make it the best it can be", "Lord, please help me know what to do next".

I repeat a lot after myself. Maybe I have become one of those ladies who talks to themselves! It is my coping, my way, my crutch, my survival. I affirm all that is good and right in my life, even in the darkness, even when my arms and soul literally ache with desire to touch that sweet face. I will affirm and I will await the hope that comes with the spring, the month of her birth, the renewal of a spirit that is grieving, I will await, and in God's time, I will be whole again.