"God Is In This"

On Thursday morning, I truly woke up to my own mind and heart (and words) repeating, "God is in this"...what, I thought, for just an instant, and then the vision of my deceased daughter flashed before my face. I closed my eyes to shut it out, I could not bear the day. I didn't know how I would even get up. Yet, those words kept ringing in my spirit, and in many ways were so comforting. But a restlessness remained, all day long, so much so that I wanted to cancel an outing for that evening. I wanted to shut out the day. I wanted to be alone, so alone with just my own thoughts and mood, tears, or frustrations. And yes, even disbelief. As I have shared so often, there is no rhyme or reason, it just IS. So, I have almost stopped trying to figure it out, as I say, almost. Because when the grip of grief takes hold and swings me from place to place, swirls me around in a tornado of emotions that even I cannot understand, let alone, explain, I still find I am not truly prepared.

I have to believe that it is my course of action, response, modalities of healing, readings, devotions, prayers, explorations, that led me to know, deep in my core, that God is in this. I am not always sure how, or why, but I know He is, and that must be a belief of faith so deep for the affirmation to be the first thought and feeling I awakened to...and it sustained me through a very rough and relentless day. I didn't skip around with the happy knowledge, I didn't jump for joy, knowing God is all powerful and would take care of me, I didn't have a good day. I had a rotten day. I was bitter and I was washed out, and I didn't want to speak or see a soul. And I didn't. I did what was needed for me. But through it all, the pain, the frustration, the intense loss, the anticipation of setting another family dinner without her, well, I remembered the words, repeated them all day, until I fully believed it. I know God is in this. I do cling to faith, and know that faith is that teacher when there is no reason or fact to base any of this on...

Sometimes it seems like a risk to cling to faith, yet, I look at the alternative. It helps me profoundly to trust, hold true to God's word, and trust the unknown. I didn't say easy. I choose to believe God is in this, that He, and He alone, is going to be my comfort and teacher. When I think of the significance of this Easter weekend, and the promise it brings, when I think of Allie's last breath, that last beat of her heart, when I think of my father's memorial service, 8 years ago, held on Good Friday, I know, like I know nothing else, that no mortal, no material item, no one thing is as pure as knowing God is in this.

I will always have unanswered questions, I will always search to heal, and find my way, I will always find holidays to be bittersweet, but as life takes on new meaning, I will hold on, and I will be transformed, knowing "God is in this".