As March Comes to a Close

Dear Allison, on this most amazing day, magnificent and perfect, I am almost relieved that March has come to an end....relieved, in part, because I am still standing, still alive and vibrant, and I can hear you whisper, again, as you do so often, "you did it, mom". Yes, I did it, not alone, never alone, always with you in every heart beat, always guided by your spirit that wouldn't let me rest, even if I wanted to, guided by a loving God who has helped me focus on your three years in heaven, and not a number on a birthday cake, spurred by giving back, paying it forward, molded to be the role model your family and friends need, giving your sister the time and light she deserves as she, too, lives to honor you and walk closer with God above, I am learning to serve in ways I never dreamed I could, and being that constant companion to your father, who lives strong, consistent, and loving in your memory. Sometimes, we talk, sometimes, the silence is what we need, but always, the comfort of having a partner who understands, respects, and loves is that never ending reminder that we are, and always will be, yes, a married couple, but your parents, two different and unique souls who are joined together till death do us part.

I find myself being a bit relieved, because, like the March weather, the tumultuous churning in my insides may get a little rest. Just maybe. But then, here we are on the eve of the holiest of celebrations, the threshold of summer, and with that brings new and breathless moments. But I am learning to pace. I do what I can, when I can, I rest when I need, I stop when I must, and I go when I can. You see to that. And if you had your way, I would seize every opportunity known to man, fly to any and all destinations, and taste the simple pleasures of life, continually! And I do, and I will, but I know that as I learn how to live in this new fashion, stage, and phase, I have to sometimes ask for you to let me rest, breathe, and slow a bit, but I also know I will pick myself back up, and move. I never say forward, I never say past it, I never say ON, I just say MOVE. Movement is the key!

I will always have many thoughts and emotions whirling about, inside my soul, heart, mind. Each new day takes me to a different place in this journey. Yes, I want to scream and cry at the injustice, the disbelief, the uncertainty, the confusion, the despair. I want to try use my words to explain to others when they ask me questions that one should never ask a grieving mother, but they don't know, they just don't know. I want to rid everyone of their opinions as to what I/we need, and I want to let them know that three years is nothing, it's a speck, that there is no timeframe to becoming whole again, if indeed that is even possible. I want the world to stop, if only for a moment. And I want to keep it real, as Barb would say! I want others to "get it", but then I don't, because I never want them to know this pain. I want them to know that just because they see me and I look vibrant and rested, that all it took to get there, the tears, the pain, the emotions, the struggles, have made me stronger and wiser. I want to let others know I didn't ask for this, but it is mine, I own it, and I must respond to it. That's all I have left, how I will live this day.

I will seize it, my daughter, and I will embrace it, and I may leave the dust or the closet for another day, March has come to a close, and I must celebrate so much.

My love is endless, Mom