Allie, I Want You To Know

Allie, I want you to know...it is March, your month, not just because of your birthday, but because of the promise of spring and the light of brighter days and spirits. I am going to embrace it, at least I am going to try. I want you to know that this is a very difficult birthday, do I have to have a reason? Can't it just be so? I will miss seeing you turn 25 years old, and I have mixed emotions about that. While I find comfort in knowing your spirit soars and teaches and guides, I so desperately want to see what you would become. I am watching your sister evolve, your friends, and their friends, and I stand in disbelief that you are gone, and they are here, some getting married, some having babies, some drifting, some taking the reins of their own lives, some venturing out, through travel or apartments or even new homes. Can I tell you that I honestly feel "jipped" at times? I want to know you at 25, I want to celebrate you, I want to touch you, God knows that I just want to see you and what you would be...but that is not meant to be. So, when the moments come that bring me to my knees, I cry, I cling to family and friends who never cease to support me, and I make good on my promise to you, or at least try to, to make you proud, to lead the way for all the mourning souls, to provide hope, and faith and love in a world that is dark and restless when we lose our child, or our loved ones.

I want you to know that I want to shout from the rooftops, sometimes, that this is the hardest, most difficult damn thing I have ever done, face a day, a month, a birthday, a lifetime without you. It never gets easier, Allison. It gets different, that's all. With all the spring colors and delights of a new season, there is still that side that plagues me. Even with the delivery of Girl Scout cookies, there you are. Here come the Easter baskets, and the candy, and the array of orange, turquoise, greens and pinks, everywhere you go now. And honestly, one minute it can make me abandon my cart and leave the store, knowing the emotion is coming, and the next, it can wrap around me and bring a smile to my heart that is so big and bold that I know I am going to be okay. But then I turn that corner, and there is another reminder, and another and another....no wonder it is so exhausting just to go to the store! But I will, and I do, and your big smile leads me and takes care of me like nothing else could ever do. You are pushing me, Allison, I know it, and I am grateful. But I am also tired. I can feel like skipping, and in a second that feeling is gone, and I want to retreat. How does one explain this incredible loss, this pain, this fatigue and emotional draining?

I do want you to know that your birthday has spurred me to take action. Your smile brings light to my soul and spirit and I believe you want that smile to be spread. I try, always, to take that smile other places by doing what I can, when I can, for your family, friends and loved ones...and even strangers. So, for your 25th birthday, I am going to keep a log of 25 random acts of kindness in March, mostly for people I don't know that well, so that your legacy and smile just keeps lighting the way. I don't care that they know who did it, or what it was all about, sometimes, most times, anonymous givings are the best anyway. I will keep paying it forward in your memory, with a more concentrated effort this month. This will help me stay focused on what I do have, what I can offer, and not on what, who, is missing from my grasp. I will also make sure I walk a total of 25 miles in March. This may not seem like much, but it is my pledge and my start to movement in the way I need to move. I will give birthday presents out and I will celebrate life in a way that is pleasing to God, and to you. I will use my resources well, and give back in a way that will make the world light up. I have no idea what it will be, or to whom, but I trust that God will put those people in front of me, and in my spirit, and I will just know.

Allie, I want you to know that I will keep searching for ways to honor you, putting God first, and asking Him for guidance. I will never stop living for you. Living better and stronger. I will never stop being all I can be for Jennifer and your father and myself. I will hold God true to His promise of that sweet reunion when it is my time, our time, to see you again. It will be sweet. It will be better than a birthday party, and taste more delicious than your favorite cake! Until then, though, I must find my way.

It is important for me to stay in touch with you, as if I would ever stop. My blog, my journals, my commitments help me stay on track. I do falter. You know that. But I will never get completely off track, this I know. You are my child for eternity, and in that, we never leave each other, rather, we grow closer and closer, through spirit and our love and our connection. As my hand was placed over your heart, and your hand placed over mine, when you took that final breath, we are entwined and now breathe as one. The very life of each of us was poured into one another's souls, yours to be released too early for my liking, mine to live on with a purpose I am still trying to discover. But I am patient, too much so, some might say! I will live and wait and take my cues from all that God lays before me.

Allie, my heart holds so many complexities, yet, is filled with so much love that I must share with you. You are my light, you are a source of strength for your sister and others, and your birthday month is going to be one celebration, silent perhaps, but we will know, you will know, that your smile helps us pay it forward and seize the day.

Eternal love, Mom