Your Uncomplaining Ways

Allison, I think I will also write a little bit each day through this month of spring and eternal hope, your birthday month, yet, so much more. I know it will help me in my release and purpose of staying focused and strong. Writing is my release, necessary to me as prayer time, devotions, affirmations, talking silently to God, shouting out to Him, asking for coverage and care through every step. I am still learning so much, and I suppose that is what it is all about.

This morning I thought of what I would term your "uncomplaining ways". It came to me early this morning as I found strength and comfort in your ways, your dignity, your grace. As I praised God for the blessings He has bestowed, one constant always stands out, "thank you, God, for creating Allison as you did, thank you for her life, for allowing me to be her mother, for all creatures, but for her and her spirit, and for allowing her to know you so intimately, so that all fear and pain was given back to you to bear, which you did, for her". I praised and thanked Him for so many other things, of course, but it stood out for me as I thought of your spirit and life, that while it was taken way too soon, cut way too short, that it pains my heart and soul with every breath, that there is a purpose and He allowed us to know you. Which made me think of you and how you lived, through the good times and the bad, through the day of receiving a cancer diagnosis, to the day you accepted that you were meant for a different type of life. Through your days as a child, a baby born with a smile on her face, a woman who died with a peace and contentment that only came from the love you knew from your family and friends, and a love and belief that God will handle it all. I have to believe that kind of faith and love is what inspired you all along, long before the days of your biggest challenge and fight, long before you ever dreamed YOU would face lung cancer, let alone lose your physical life as a result. I know in my heart what drove you, what centered you, what kept you focused, and enabled you to stay the course and never complain.

Sure, you had your tears, frustrations, angers, fears....you had your questions, your doubts, your misgivings, and you stood in awe of this diagnosis, this challenge, the treatments and the toll they took. You cried, you prayed, you shouted, but you didn't complain. You accepted. You lived. Your physical body died, but you did not. I read a quote, and I wish I could say by whom, that "you are not dead until the last person that knew you has died". Now, isn't that something to contemplate?! I know what that says to me, you will never die, indeed, my child, you will never die.

This day, every day, you and your "uncomplaining ways" drive me to stay the course, too, to breathe in, breathe out, to find something beautiful in the moment, to have patience, to be thankful for the place I am in at this moment, knowing all could change with the shift of the wind, to affirm and know through faith I am steady and strong. God's power is greater than any circumstance we might face. I knew that before, but I know it at a deeper level now. Thanks to you and God's plan.

My love is endless, Mom