My dear one, child of mine, birthday girl...the celebrations of life continue as we continue to seize the day and make the most of it, of the moments, the hours, the relationships, those who come into our lives for a reason that we may not know at the time, and for those who have stood by us through it all...it continues to be such a complex journey. But celebrate we did, and seize the time, we did. And savor. And breathe in, breathe out, feel your presence, your spirit guiding us, your laughter, your love. We have made it through a time that could have been most difficult by doing it our way, and with the help of so many who we knew, and those we didn't, we have been able to step outside of ourselves, give back and raise money for your memorial scholarships through celebrating and fellowship of women. It was glorious. It was what life is supposed to be about, this past weekend, when in our hearts you turned 25 years old, yet, now, we know, where you reside, there is no number. Only life. And it's all different now.
Dad and I talked a long time about how our feelings, emotions, pain, yet spirit, is really no different than any other day. And that is true. But something on the inside negates that thought, contradicts what our minds try to say, or try to explain with some reason. And while it is true, I must say there IS something different. My friend, Kim, who is a grieving mother, coming upon her daughter's 28th birthday AND passing date in the same week, next week, said something that has "stuck" with me...she said that it's as if she is trying to "trick" herself into believing that these milestones are just like any other day. That nothing is different. I "get" what she means...maybe we do try to "trick" ourselves! We gear up, we plan, we honor one another's feelings, we celebrate in a way that is comforting to us, and while we know in our hearts that EVERY day is a celebration, there really IS something a bit "different" about those special days. I guess we cannot deny it, it comes, and it goes, and so it goes, morning comes, and so does night, and all minutes in between. The seasons come and they go, and on the day of your birth, how appropriate that you were born on the threshold of spring, when the world blooms and transforms, and there comes a light that changes everything.
And Allie, how I, a grieving mother, get from one point to the other, travel the spiral of this wretched walk, is working on myself. That's what I call the "inside" work. Every part of this journey is about what is on the inside of me, my heart, my soul, my mind, my physical state, my complete being. There is not a shred or fiber of my total package that does not scream out for you, to have this be a dream, to beg God to let me wake up from this nightmare. But I work from the inside out, and I pray, and I read, and I affirm, and I make room for what my heart can hold, and I protect, and I shed, and I cry, and I scream, but I laugh, I smile, I enjoy, I hold, I touch, I smell, I feel with new intensities that I would have never known. In my broken state I am becoming whole. If only I could describe it, but I know I do not have to...I owe no one anything, not even you. But still, I make decisions that are pleasing to myself, my family, that includes you, your father, your sister, and to my God. I know there will be that judgement day, that day of reunion with you, that day the spirit of God will take me to His Kingdom and know that I have accepted His grace and mercy, knowing I was not created to be worthy on this earth, but worthy enough to accept His gifts. It is nothing I have done, or ever will, that will lead me to His throne. It will be living pure for Him, planning for the time when all I have to do is rest my weary body, and let my soul speak for itself. So, while I can, I will work from the "inside" out and learn more, seek and find myself. It is not easy. I know I was on the path long before you left, but when YOU were the one God took home, well, a light and fire was lit inside me that I can never explain. I will do my best. It is not perfect. I am not, either. God didn't create perfect. But He does provide lessons, and I must learn them. And He provides this day. I will seize it, whether I falter and cry, carry burdens and pain, whatever it is, I will do it, and I will thank Him for it. I will have my moments, and I will pick myself up. No one else is going to do that for me. Everyone walks with their own burdens. I will keep working on the "inside" so that the outside responds.
This has been some birthday month, Allie. Yes, indeed. March will come to an end soon. And if it is God's will, I will live another month, and another and another. And I will make myself proud, you proud, your sister proud, and your father. And God will say, "Halleluiah".
I love you from the deepest core of my inside self, Mom
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