Your Beauty

Dear Allison, I want you to know that your beauty surrounds me this day, another glorious day that holds the promise of spring. How easy it is to be motivated by the sunshine, to dig in the dirt (well, I am thinking about it, anyway), to open the window and hear the children playing, the birds singing, and to feel the breeze. I laid down on the reading room couch yesterday afternoon just to savor the moment, you have taught me that I don't know if I will get another chance like this moment holds. I don't know what opportunities await, so I live where I am, wrap myself in your beauty, and hold tight for whatever life brings. And I don't mean your outer beauty, although I must admit, that smile, the turquoise of your eyes, the youthfulness of your skin, the agile body, all hold places for me that inspire and give me a mental image to cling to...yet, here you are now, in spirit form, holding all the colors of the rainbow in one touch, one glance, one beat of my heart.

Color is bursting, and with it, so is my heart. You are living in me, through me, and by me in ways that can never truly be described. The total package of your beauty illuminates my path and inspires with a power that fills me with strength and hope. And you teach me about God's grace, each and every day of my life.

I am understanding the grace which He gives as a gift to all, to me, just for the taking. I read about it, I learn, I understand, but most importantly, I know. And through the pain of recalling the toll of cancer, and all it meant to you and our family, I came to believe in the gift. I saw it firsthand, although at the time, it wasn't as clear as it is now. I was numb. I still am at times. I was naive. I still am at times. I was in shock. And I still am at times. But through it all, there it was, the gift of grace, right before our eyes. And now, I, we, cling to the gift of all gifts, the promise of mercy and hope and faith and trust and love as we put all of ourselves in the hands of God the Father.

I am glad to know He is there, and I am blessed to know you are there. I still don't really know how to live with you in my heart and soul, without you here for your 25th birthday, and I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think ahead, and I still don't know that I want to look backwards at your life. All can be too painful. Too many questions surface and too many fears. Yet, through the pain, I know you had a sweet life, and gave us memories that will last us a lifetime.

Still and all, you are here, there, and everywhere, just as God promised. Just as He is. I will close my message to you this day, my beloved one, with the poem written by James Freeman. He speaks of God's grace, and I cling to its promise. But it also speaks to me about you, as I learn to live with you in the spiritual form, the way you are now, the way you will always be...

"I Am There"

Do you need me? I am there.
You cannot see Me
yet I am the light you see by.
You cannot hear Me,
yet I speak through your voice.
You cannot feel Me,
yet I am the power at work in your hands.

You are all I could ever ask for, and more. God above, and you.

Love, Mom