Dear Allison, this is "I want you to know" month because it helps me when I know you are my audience, you are listening, knowing, understanding, being there...plus, I have taken to saying out loud, at times, "Allison, I just want you to know"...I want you to know so much. You already do, that's the thing, but it helps me take the steps necessary to live, breathe, act, move, create, and so much more when I can get my words out and let go.
Today I want you to know about yesterday. It is still in my heart. It's when I fell to my knees as I have not done in some time. Perhaps it was prompted by Sarah's birthday, I'm not sure, as you know, there does not have to be a reason. And I now know that. Yet, if I am honest, there is something rather mystical, magical, melancholy and mysterious about the way my spirit flows when it comes to some special occasions, and the one of your dearest friend's birthday, turning 25 without you here, well, that was difficult. Difficult because more surged in me than I thought ever could, again, and still. I have cried a river of tears, been to my knees, and still there is more to come. It happens when your sister, cousins, friends have birthdays, indeed, moments to celebrate and cherish, even more now that we know what we know...still, you are not here and there it comes, that slap to the face kind of reality that while you are gone at 25 years, you should not be...you just should not be.
When the grief rose and took hold in that way, yesterday, I almost went into a panic. Not because I didn't recognize it, I did. I have seen it before. I imagine I will see it again. I found myself going room to room and uncontrollable tears fell down my face, my neck, onto my shirt. And I longed to reach out to talk with someone. I know, there were many people I could call, yet, I couldn't really. Dad was in meetings, this I knew, your aunts were working, my friends were watching their grandchildren or having breakfast out with a friend, and the timing wasn't right to call a soul. At least that's how I thought at the time, and somehow got through the time, and that "somehow" was sitting and breathing and putting all my faith in God above, my constant companion, who never leaves me, and never will.
I found my true source of comfort once again, ready to be called upon, ready to provide just what I needed to find my way. I was at some sort of crossroad and I needed guidance. I let the tears fall, I asked for wisdom, and strength, and even answers and I listened. I recognized the guidance as it resonated throughout my body, mind and soul. I opened my heart to listen. I understood which direction God wanted from me, to move forward with confidence and joyful anticipation. AND I remembered my promise to you, that this month I would live out 25 random acts of kindness. That promise, God's understanding, and your smile brought me through the storm. I lifted my soul, I made some bread, picked up some flowers and cookies, and took all to special souls who are recovering from a traumatic car accident, people who are like family. As "luck" would have it, they were home, and we spent the nicest afternoon together, and talked of all sorts of things, went down memory lane, and we all smiled bigger for our time spent. A delightful day under God's good grace.
I know exactly what it means in the scriptures when it says that God's word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. That was proven to me yesterday, a grieving mother who thought the day only held tears and pain, turned into an illuminating day filled with hope and promise.
You, dear daughter, I love, Mom
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