Dear Allie, this morning, well, actually all thoughout the night, thoughts of you permeated my soul,so deeply that it was definitely a toss and turn night. I had visions that you were still with us, I saw our hands linked together, walking through some fields, I felt so much peace, yet my insides roared till I thought I would be sick. This is what grief does, this is what happens to a mother when her child goes before her, no matter the age, I'm quite sure. To experience this is so out of sequence that it takes time to adjust, time to even realize, that we will not celebrate another birthday on this earth. But even through the restlessness, I remember seeing your face, not that of a little girl, but those of the legacy, the last weeks, the images, the smiles, the aura that seemed to surround you and it came to me that you never once acted as if you were the wounded one, the one that was "treated" unfairly, the one who was angry or bitter, or fearful, or enraged. Cancer never defined you, and today's lesson for me is that you were not the wounded, you were, and are, the warrior. Sure, you had your own thoughts that maybe you didn't always share with me, with us, for you had a protective shield when it came to us. But there were those times when we did lie together, cry together, fight the fight together. You were sad, confused, curious...but ever the warrior, NOT the wounded. I don't even think it occured to you to be the victim! I don't think it occured to you to give up on life! I know what DID occur to you...to take it all in stride, wake up and do it again, only to hear, every single day for eleven weeks that the cancer had taken a new turn, invaded a new place, spot, limb, organ. I also know it occured to you to ask about what happens after this lifetime. Those were the difficult conversations, not because of where you were going, but that you indeed WERE going. I don't know when I fully realized it, but all along you were ready in the only way that counts. You had your heart committed to a loving God and His Son, so, unlike cancer, that was not the perplexing part. It's just that you felt it was too young, Oh My God, how we felt that way, too. And still do. How are you NOT here for tomorrow's birthday? How are you not fulfilling your dreams, taking the trip with your friends to Vegas, boarding that plane tomorrow morning? How are you NOT here to open the packages that always brought you so much joy? How is it YOU that is taken from a mother and father who so desperately loved their daughter? No answers, and there never will be, other than the ones that bring us peace, peace that comes, even when understanding may not.
But Allie, this day, I am a warrior because you are a warrior! And maybe you were a warrior because we have always been! I tell your Aunt that we are Merle and Barbara's children, and have inbred strength and determination, and I have come to understand so much more about God's grace. That is the most significant gift of all. And I am thankful for it, I will accept it, be thankful, I will not be a victim, or wounded, no matter the circumstances, I will have learned the lesson, the gift you are giving me, on this magical 25th birthday.
My love runs so deep that I don't know where it starts, but I know there is no end,
Mom
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