Allison, I will never run out of things to say, words to express, songs to sing, verses to memorize, scriptures to refer to, quotes from others, lyrics to songs...all have a definite purpose, now, as it refers to grief and loss, and life and death, and blessings and suffering. It's almost as though the words shared, reflected, sung, quoted have taken on new meaning since you are gone. For that matter, so has every little thing. It's the unexplainable, really, until one really knows how grief stimulates the senses, helps you see and taste and feel like never before. Maybe it's that sense of urgency that now I KNOW full well, firsthand, that life as we know it will change with the ring of the phone. Maybe it's that I was meant to hear things with a new ear, listen with a new heart, feel with senses that now seem more alive in your passage. How can that be? I try not to question, but it IS a mystery...a mystery that may never be solved, so I just look to the heavens and say "thank you God" for making me see...though not in this way, I am thankful to SEE what you perhaps wanted me to see all along.
Lyrics to songs are one thing that I have noticed very intently since you have been gone. You and I shared the same love of music, that is why I know you would have loved an American Idol favorite, Danny Gokey. I have written about him before, last spring when he opened up that voice we love so much, and sang your signature song, MY WISH, at the concert. A chill ran down our spines as Aunt Kathy, Jennifer and I simply held hands and KNEW that the message was clear...you are always with us, and the song, well, it will always hold meaning, not just because you loved it, but you lived it. And Danny is on the scene, now, with his first album. To see him perform last night on the show, along with listening to the lyrics on his album, well, one knows exactly where he is...there is no denying that his words are going to resonate with millions. And he keeps living, as do we all, with a purpose and a will and a desire, because he really doesn't want the loss of his young wife to define him, or at least give him any "excuses" for doing, or not doing, his best. Naturally, the loss cannot help define him, but as he said, and as we have said all along, it's what you do with the loss, how you live on, and bring dignity to the deceased that is the beauty of it all.
There are many artists I could write about, and have. Music will continue to inspire and guide me. It helps me make that connection to you and to live. And when I once thought I would never sing again, I am finding my voice.
The lyrics that sum it up in ways I perhaps could not, from Danny Gokey's song, "My Best Days Are Ahead of Me", are blasting through the house right now, and I might just play it over and over again. I need the upbeat, head shaking, body moving rhythm today as I think of how to live, how to honor you, and as I think of one of your best friends who turns 25 today, who you always celebrated together since you were young girls, and I think how you should be here with her, with them, with me, with us. I cannot deny how much I miss you and don't know how I will carry on...and as another one of his songs clearly states, on the same album, "I Will Not Say Good-bye". Yes, I can relate...to use his words, I will shout, I will cry, I will curse, shake my fist at the sky, but I will not say good-bye. I don't want to feel better, I don't want to NOT remember.
The complexities of the two songs really do sum up grief. The pure and utter devastation makes me want to never forget, to never let you go completely, to stay grounded in the safety of my own presence, yet, as the first song says, there are beaches to walk on, there is air for me to breathe, there are candles on a birthday cake to blow out. There is a future, and thanks to you, and a loving God who keeps me here a bit longer, my best days are ahead of me, too! I have to believe that, and God's promise tells me it is the truth and way and light. I will keep trying and loving you, never to say good-bye, I will witness the sunsets, and the sunrises, and I will know you have opened up a whole new world that I would have never seen. You are granting ME the birthday wishes, now, all my love, your mom
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