"Mommy, Why???"

This morning I awakened to a little voice in my head, my heart, so real it took my breath away. This is not the first "message" I have received this week, but this one, unlike the others, caused me a little more sadness. I dislike waking up sad. That means my agenda, my day, my cherished moments must be worked at all that much harder, just to get out of bed, maneuver, walk the dog, answer the phone, talk to others, resume so called "normal" functions. Can I just scream at this point that nothing is normal any more?!!

So, I listened to her cry, a little whimper, "mommy, why"? My first response in my head was, Allie, I just don't know why. But then in occurred to me, WHY WHAT? Why did I have to get cancer? Why did I have to give up doing all the things my friends were doing? Why did I have to relearn simple tasks like bathing and using the restroom? Why did this happen? Why did I die? When Allison was alive, she asked me this question when she was drifting in and out of sleep, and later, in and out of consciousness. I know she didn't expect an answer. She didn't wait for one. This question was not part of our conscious discussions about life and death, Jesus, God, family, love, sickness, life. But every now and then, in the slightest audible tone, the words escaped from her heart and soul, "mommy, why?"....she would ask it as she sweat through the after effects of chemotherapy, as she tossed and turned in discomfort after bouts of radiation, she would ask it as she rolled from side to side, tried every way to get comfortable, to relieve the pain, to try to lie down, sit up, lift her leg, walk. She would ask it, ever so quietly, of herself, of me, of God, and never waited for the answer, as if I would have HAD one. But there was no answer, no solid explanation, no reason to be explained to a question that had no real meaning.

I still cannot help but wonder what she was whispering to me this morning. I don't get frightened, disturbed, frantic, or worrisome. I now accept everything that occurs as it is, as it is supposed to be, knowing I have no comprehension of life in the ever after. I know her body is gone, but her soul is not, her spirit, her whispers, her love. Now I know that she is sending me a message, not one of doom, not one of panic, simply, a message of some sort. I wait to find out what it is, what the whisper means, what the question means, and as I wait, I feel blessed to have heard from her at all.

I want to whisper back, I want to make it all better, I want her back. I want the images of pain erased from my mind, and they are, ever so slowly, but then comes those physical reminders, then in the next breath comes the pure joy of knowing she needs not ask those questions any longer, there is no need to live through the pain, the peace is hers for eternity. I do want to ask her WHY WHAT as I did when she was here, but again, I will never know what the question meant this morning. Just like I never did really know what the question meant when she was here. So, I go about life as I do everyday, asking God for guidance, hope, grace and mercy. I ask Him to give meaning to the messages, the life she lived, the life I now live. I thank Him for His gift of grace, and that He created this child to live within me, breathe the air I breathed, be sustained from the food I ate, blending us as one who death does not part.

I will continue to listen to the sweetness of the whispers, hers, God's, the Holy Spirit's, the voice of a higher power that orchestrates in ways we can never truly understand. I will continue to ask God above to help me find my own peace so that I can live this day as He intended, and I trust Him to help me find the answers to my own questions. I will not be disturbed by her question as I was when she was here, when I tried with every ounce of strength and purpose to make her comfortable, to help explain, to help cope and persevere. I have learned to take it as it comes, respond, and capture the moment for what it is, in the meantime, thankful that I can still hear her voice, God's voice, and take heed from the message.