So Sad, So Glad

It's Mother's Day. How can one soul and spirit be so sad, yet so glad? So sad for what once was and what was supposed to be, now lost, now walking foreign territory that I don't even know how to stay the course. So sad for a life lost, my child, my vibrant, healthy, spirited daughter who entered a cancer journey, an unexpected fate, a twist in the walk of life, who fought and fought, only to lay her head down and exhale a final breath, all of it over, all too soon, yet not soon enough.

But oh, so glad. Glad for that life. Glad for the life of a big sister, an older daughter, one who inspires and takes charge, and loves life. One who used to complain about many things, transformed, now into beauty that goes beyond what we see on the outside. Beauty that is so deep that it is as if Jesus walks and breathes in her soul. And He does. She knows, now, that He will take care of it all, all of our troubles, our annoyances, our pain, our trials, our sorrow. So glad, while sad, for this day, to spend with her, to venture out of the house and capture the sunshine and brisk day. Not a complaint in sight. We are blessed beyond words. So glad, yet, so sad. So sad because our family is not complete in the physical sense. So sad that the physical has to take over sometimes, and no matter how many affirmations, prayers, scriptures I read and recite, I stand in blatant and desperate confusion over the puzzle that is being put together. I would give my life to have the missing piece connect us all once again. I am so sad that I cannot touch her, talk to her, whisper in her ear, hear her laughter. But I am so glad that she lives with us in every move, decision, action we make and take. I am so glad that she will never die, and that she will live on in a new way, taking this mother/child relationship to new levels.

I am so glad I have family to spend the day with, diversions, and people who care. I am so glad for a husband who stands by my side, listens, gently holds my hand and sheds a tear with me. I am so glad I am not alone. I am so glad I had a mother who I can remember with fondness, even though I miss her to this day. And I am so glad for the one, treasured relationship of a sister, who, when neither of us has words, doesn't need them. Who has never made this loss about her. Who feels what I feel, who is connected to me as one, who is a part of every Mother's Day, brought together by our own mother, connected, now by our own children.

I am so glad I gave birth to two amazing baby girls. I am so glad to be blessed with more love than some people have in a lifetime. I am so glad I had the time with them both, together, and now separately. I am so glad for the memories. They sustain me when my spirit is nothing but a puddle of tears. I am so glad for the future and I am so glad for this day.

I am so sad, yet so glad. How can that be? Perhaps that is why mourning, grief and the journey of healing is so emotionally exhausting, so confusing, perplexing and monumental. There is no place to start from, and no place to reach a destination. No beginning and no end. Days like this take you places that you may not want to go, places in a deep crevice of your soul that knows sadness, yet knows gladness.

I will celebrate. I will live. I will do this, I am glad that someone expects me to be someplace, I am glad for the greatest treasure of my life, my daughter who awaits a fun day, a day alive and well, when all is right with the world, when the sun will shine, maybe a cloud will come, create the darkness, but then it will move away, and create that moment where light will shine, providing hope and sustenance. I am sad, for sure, but I am so glad.