The Cancer World

Whether we know it or not, we are all in the Cancer World. No one can really miss it, even if it has not happened to directly impact someone they know or love. With the statistics, I am hard pressed to believe that any of us are not deeply and greatly touched by the "C" word, CANCER. I have even heard there is a show about it, although I could never bring myself to watch that one...I have seen more and more cancer centers being constructed and of course, all of us can now name on more than one hand those who are battling or who have left all too soon. It's a world we enter whether we choose to do so, or not. It's a world that touches us in different ways. It touches each of us differently as we deal with it directly or indirectly. Some of us are the ones who battle and fight each day, fight to live, find a cure, and miraculously the cancer is gone, for awhile, for years, or forever. So many names come to mind right now, even as I pray for those undergoing the treatments and the hospital visits and ALL that comes with the diagnosis, ALL those things that most of us could never see unless we walk the walk, ourselves or with our loved ones.

Then, of course, there are the names that come to mind of those whose bodies grew weak, tired, weary. Those who God laid a gentle hand upon and called them to be home with Him. Those whose names are growing in our circles each and every day...in our own family, my father, my daughter, and so recently, my brother-in-law, Karen's husband of almost 31 years, Matt and Joe's father, my girls' uncle, gone to rest, after a tumultuous three year journey. I certainly did not choose this, but whether I want to be, or not, I am in the cancer world. That didn't just begin, and it is not the end, the cancer world is part of my life. No matter what I do, how hard I try, how many times I ask God to take this part of me away, it is not going to happen. The "Cancer World" has become my world.

Sometime after Allison passed from us, I began to see a wonderful grief therapist who specialized in those impacted by cancer. In every session, I was able to learn a strategy to get through this life, to help ease the images, to wash away a bit of the pain, if only for a moment. I learned to "shelve" the flashbacks, not put them away, but work at them in more appropriate times. Like some patients who have to walk again, I had to rehabilitate myself, so that I could rejoin my family, my life, myself. I, in no way compare my struggles with those who have physical incapacities, I am just sharing my soul of how it was to breathe again, stand tall in moments of despair, re-enter a public with some stamina and dignity, when all the pain was wired inside, nothing anyone could see...after all, to them, I looked fine!!

I am in the Cancer World...some have suggested I find another type of "job" or place to work, and don't think I haven't thought of it. I have inquired, even interviewed, and turned down "jobs", jobs that bring me no satisfaction now, no joy, no interest in getting dressed only to find that there is no meaning to the work. Some believe that a diversion would be good, and I thought so, too. But how can I sell handbags, or be a party planner, or substitute as a school administrator any longer when I know what I know. So, I stay in the Cancer World. Sure, I find some "fun", I travel a bit, I enjoy working in my home, I read, I write, I am finding my voice, but it's not enough. And I keep searching, asking God to help me find a purpose, a plan, a way to help and assist. And lo and behold, in this Cancer World, along comes my experiences with my own father, my very own precious daughter, and along comes a dear soul, Chrissy, who allowed me the privilege of spending time with her and her "sissy" in her final days, and then, not finally, because there will be more, then comes Michael, my brother-in-law. I shared his own personal cancer journey with him, through thick and thin, good and bad, beautiful and rough. My travels were mostly back and forth to their house in 2009 and 2010 and I learned more, yes, about the Cancer World, but more about myself. And in those final days, and hours, and minutes, I felt God pointing out what I may have known all along, but wouldn't listen. I wanted OUT of this Cancer World. But that is not to be, so I am learning to embrace it. To embrace life, no matter for how long. Their life. My life.

Thanks to all my experiences, and Michael's gift, I am finding my purpose, my way. I thank Dad, Allison, and Chrissy, too, and names too numerous to mention. It will be a simple step. It will be a baby step. But I will volunteer through the wonderful organization of hospice. I made the call. I have no idea what it will "look" like, whether I will offer caregivers a respite once I am trained, or share time with a patient, pray with them, read to them, help them live. Hospice, to me, has never been about dying, it has been about living. Somehow I didn't know that until my sister and I met with them so many years ago. Somehow I couldn't face that when it was mentioned for Allison. But in Michael's final days, he was able to LIVE in the comfort of his own home, with those who loved him most around him, and nothing could have been more beautiful when he took his final breath.

Yes, we all live in a Cancer World. I have promised Allison it won't consume me. I have promised my family I will sing again, I will dance again, I will find myself. I will make time for everyone who I care about, I will find a solution to every problem without getting anxious or upset. None of it matters anyway. It's all temporal. And in a minute, it will all be over, one way or another. A piece of me HAS to give back to this Cancer World, Dad, Allison, Chrissy and Michael are making sure of that!