Don't Have to Look Far

I don't have to look far to seek and find the blessings in my life. Not far at all. Focusing on them has been somewhat of a challenge in the months and now years since Allison passed away. I have my moments when all I can feel is the pain, all I can see is the blur of life through the tears, all I know is that a treasure has been ripped from my physical life and my heart has never been the same. Yet, from the start, I had to focus. Focus. Focus on what is true and good and faithful and meaningful, the simple blessings of life, that once were just part of my work/social/personal calendar of existence.

I don't have to look far, but I DO have to dig deep. I have to ask God to help me step away from the changing of the seasons as summer ends and fall begins, such significance for my family, for me. I have to choose to remember what she meant, how she lived, what she taught us in those weeks of cancer drugs, pain, treatments. I have to focus on her smile, her light, her love. I have to keep learning how to live with her in my heart instead of her calling me with news, with stories of her life, with her thoughts and dreams. I have to let God take control of my every fiber just to move through a day. I have to ask Him, repeatedly, to show me what is good and meant from this pain, this suffering, this sadness of missing her.

God shows me I don't have to look far...I see the blessings all around me. When I choose to look at them, I have better moments, that get me to the next ones. I can feel joy, even if only for a moment, or an afternoon, or a day. I can feel again. But not by doing it alone. I can't do any of this alone. God has to be my co-pilot and He helps me know I don't have to look far...I can be in the company of my daughter who is nothing but pure pleasure, even when she faces her own troubles, I can spend a week with my sister, even when she is mourning and facing such uncertainty about the loss of her beloved husband, I can spend an afternoon with my brother and sister at the cemetery of our parents, not saying much, but not needing to, and I can attend the celebration of dear friends as they celebrate 60 years of marriage, surrounded by so many caring and wonderful emotions. I can sit down and write in my journal, care for my adopted dog, and I can sing a song to my ipod as it blares through the house. The fact that I have even figured out the ipod and iphone is a blessing in itself! I can make banana bread for Joe and receive an e-mail of thanks and appreciation from him at work. I can take a neighbor to the airport because her car won't start, or I can tend to the girls next door when the parents need a little break. I can keep wine, coffee, tea, and crumpets ready and on call for those who need a little respite. And I can find my way through projects, gift buying, note writing, fund raising, shopping for others. I don't have to look far, but, yes, I do have to dig deep.

I have asked God this morning to help me dig deep and even deeper. It is too easy to dwell on missing my daughter, my brother in law, dwell in the sadness of my sister and her new stages of grief...God knows how desperately I want to take that away. He also knows I cannot, just as no one can take away mine, ours. It is too easy to stay in the place of sadness and loss and pain. I will and I do. But I will keep preparing. I know it's not an easy time that we embark on...ending September brings on a new dimension to our lives, the leaves will fall and with them will signify the days in Chicago, the failing health of an undeserved young woman, a disbelieving diagnosis of lung cancer, and all that surrounded that. The leaves will represent so much, but already, I am asking God to prepare me in new ways. Help me find the beauty. Help me to focus on what is good in my life. I expect results. I know He will help and never forsake me. He will remind me that I do not have to look far.