Just an "ordinary" Day

As I pulled in the parking lot of the school where I once served as principal, just this morning, to visit a special event being held on a Saturday morning, I was reminded of how many times I had pulled in that same driveway, walked up the steps of the school, worked all day, sometimes into the evening, going about my business all in the course of an ordinary day. Today, as I pulled in, I was reminded of the day my world changed with the ringing of a phone call. As I was heading into a grade level meeting, the call came, Allison's voice starting strong, then quivering to tell me not to rush to Chicago, that she would be alright, but to please come the next day. She needed and wanted her parents. The doctors had found a small mass, maybe it was not "just" pneumonia after all. Thus, the shift from ordinary to extraordinary, surreal, and unchartered. From that moment forward, no day would be the same. I know there had been life defining moments before, but none that shocked to the core, causing my inner sanctum to feel as though a circuit breaker was setting off alarms through every fiber of my being. That pulsating feeling has become my new reality, for never again will life be defined as normal. I think of all the aspects of my life that once were just simple and ordinary, like grocery shopping, or dining out, or taking a trip, or attending a social gathering, or entering a school. There are days when I still drive way out of my way to find a grocery store that will not bring me so much sorrow and pain. The memories flood and I am weak, and sometimes I abandon the cart and head for home. When I enter a Target or a Wal-Mart, I scope out the faces in case of recognition, in case I have to explain anything. I armor myself with the right words, just in case, in case I run into anyone who might not know, or who does know and doesn't know what to say....like the time I ran into our former dental hygenist who asked how Allison was liking life in Chicago. Was I more sorry for myself for having to answer, or for her who had to hear the answer? I prepare when I meet new people for the question that always comes, "do you have any children", and again, my simple, "ordinary" answer has been changed, now rehearsed to the fullest, "yes, we have two children, our daughter Jennifer is 26 and our daughter Allison passed away after a battle with lung cancer"...again, nothing is "ordinary" any more. When I, or others in our family, can bearly utter her name, say it without intense pain, I know that we are no longer in an "ordinary" state. When I think of ways to make the holidays a bit different, I know that the "ordinary" traditions can not come without intense pain, washing over me with every ornament to be hung, every Christmas carol to be sung, every trip to the store.

If I could bargain with God to go back to a time when the mundane aspects of life were just that, I wonder if I would trade places. I believe I am supposed to know what I now know, what I now feel, what I now live with...I believe I am supposed to realize that all the trivial things and complaining in life could not, do not possibly matter. In fact, I can see through all of that now. And I do get that until someone truly lives the experience, they cannot fully understand how those things just do not matter, but what matters is how we respond to the now "extraordinary" life we live. I live to pay homage to a daughter who is gone from her earthly home, be a role model and mentor to a daughter who is full of life, be a support to a husband who remains strong and true. And I know I am called upon to be a comfort to others, a comfort because I know and understand so much now, the rose colored glasses have been shed for the clearest, brightest, sharpest images. I do not know why, it is still too early to know, but I understand that as I will never know "ordinary" again, God has helped me to see a purpose. His word in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 promises, "Blessed Be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of ALL comfort, who comforts us in our afflictions so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God".