You're Ready When You Are Ready...

It is amazing to me, now, what demands and expectations society and the world puts on each of us as we move through the various stages and phases of life. Up until a certain point, I feel like I lived the way our culture demanded, I was the good girl, attended church, went to college, married, had two children, a thriving and fulfilling career, raised the family, eventually got a dog, stayed married, and so the story goes...and yes, there were a few bumps along the way, things didn't ALWAYS play out as I had planned, but until the intense walk of loss and grief, all could be rectified and sorted out. Every problem had a solution. Then cancer invaded our lives and all control, problem solving, decision making had to be released and surrendered. This was not a diversion in the road, this was not a roadblock of life, this was real and powerful and a true test of the faith we claimed to hold true.

What prompts these thoughts this day are the well meaning, good intentioned friends and family who "assume" we are in such a better place and that, in some of their words, surely this is getting a bit easier. "THIS" being the second set of holidays, I suppose, or living life, or moving on. Some have even shared that they have "heard" it gets easier. That may be so, the hearing part, I mean. But the actual living part, no. Bereavement is that entity that is unique and personal to each of us who walk and live and breathe it, it never goes away, and intensifies just when you think you have a bit of a handle on it. In our country, there are a few days when the grieving can take off from work, while in others, black is worn for seven years. In our society, if we look good, we ARE good, and that is all that matters. I guess I feel somewhat like an ambassador, these days, when people who really want to know what this is like. In reality, how can any of us really know, and who would really want to, but those who ask, I am willing to share what I can...that we each take it differently. Joe finds himself able to do things I still cannot, and vice versa, Jen and Joe find that working and staying very busy helps as they honor and remember, and I like the freedom of time. I read from the Bible and other devotionals every day, praying to find that word of comfort that always comes, and Joe immerses himself in true to life stories of challenge and victory. I find it most difficult to enter church doors, and Joe is very comforted by that setting. Jen finds her way to visit the cemetery often and I rarely go there. And all of the other family and Allison's friends, well, each one's way of maneuvering through this is as unique and individual as they are.

I guess if there is a message about grief and the upcoming weeks, those that blend the holidays and Allison's last weeks on this earth, it is to say, we are all in this together, yet each treads their separate journey. There is nothing easier about it because it is the second time around, and a fear I do have is that it won't be easier the 20th time around, that is why I am learning to live in the moment, in the NOW. I don't look back or too far ahead, for that brings on its own unique pain, but I am learning to live where I am, acknowledge that place, even savor it, for this moment will not come again.

In the meantime, we are ready for each turn, in our own way and in our own time. I am grateful, in some ways, that I get the chance to create my own blueprint, that I don't have to succumb to someone else's timetable, opinions, or ideas. While I am certainly not a trailblazer in the world of grief, I do get to do it my way and be ready when I am ready...for whatever comes my way.