Christmas Memories

So many thoughts and emotions scurry through our souls at this time of year, the hustle and the bustle of preparations and plans. The anticipation and the thrill of it all keeps us going toward that moment, Christmas Day, when families blend and traditions hold us together. Then there are the memories that come flooding in and often, when we gather, we remember when, we talk of Christmas' long ago, when the girls were babies, and toddlers, then pre-teens, when the annual shopping with Aunt Kathy took place, when the cousins visited, when the grandparents on both sides were sitting in the room, each beaming as the girls and boys opened their own gift, when Grandpa would hold the bow bag, or the times Allison and Jennifer would put on a Christmas skit, when Allison would play The Little Drummer Boy over and over and over again, when we would all gather at church for the plays and the services, when we opened that one special gift on Christmas Eve, when the girls would sleep together, even as grown young women, in anticipation of the early morning openings, with the stockings being the thrill of the day. Indeed, the memories never end, in fact, they become a valued, irreplaceable treasure. It seems even more so now that one of us is gone, Allison is not here in the physical sense, and that is more painful than any of us could imagine. We don't want to imagine or think about it, until it happens, and we are forced to do so...we are compelled to look at it all differently, yet embrace the memories as they are, and now, those are what we cling to, lovingly and carefully, as if they could shatter if we forget. But we won't forget, and I have come to realize that through all the memories comes the common thread of love. We don't think of how tired we were from the shopping or late nights or years when things were lean and we wondered how we would provide. We don't recall or remember the sad times for too long, rather, we carry in our hearts the pure and simple feeling of love. Christmas IS love and it is reflected in the photographs, such as the one that I am posting today. Christmas is a happy time and even as we have learned and embraced the true Christmas story over the years, and know that Jesus has always been the reason for the season, it is a day when all is right with the world and we stop and just be with the ones we love, and who love us.

As I hold tight to the memories of love and light and hope, it is not the gift in the box or bag that I can clearly define or describe. Yes, there have been those moments when a special gift does stand out and I don't forget that moment, but that gift, and all the memories are just symbols for the love in our hearts. That love sustains me as I look to a Christmas morning without the physical presence of Allison, without the girls spending one more Christmas Eve together, sleeping with Barkley in anticipation of a wonderful day, it holds me together when I make the favorite family cookies or egg casserole breakfast, and when it is all said and done, and the wrapping lies on the floor, and the presents are put away, I know for sure that the love of Allison and each other will permeate us all, will bring us together, will get us through the moments of pain and loss, when she will not walk through that door, that love will prevail and she will never be gone from our hearts. With every beat of my own heart, I feel her and know her and remember her, and she lives on, differently, and even more profoundly than ever before. Thankfully, she will always be part of our memories and our present and our future on Christmas Day, and every day.