Talk About Inspiring

Just the other day I wrote that I hope to share inspiring stories, and there are so many to share. I could begin with family, friends, neighbors, and never stop writing. I do know that the trials of others are meant to be shared, giving us all hope and faith that life is worth living and all we have is this day. As I shared, Allison's legacy has proven that to me, in more ways than I could count. I stay inspired because of her. I stay inspired because of a strong husband who responds with dignity and grace to this unexplainable loss, and I stay inspired to a strong, spirited daughter who is living and loving her own life as she finds her way.

But inspiration comes in many forms and in unexpected places. Just the other night when we presented the second annual scholarship, I never expected to receive so much more than I/we gave. How honored we are to be able to give back in some small way, thanks to our ever growing support and contributing team, yet, when we walked away, we were the recipients of so much more than money could buy. Again, for the second year, we attended a banquet to make our presentation. An emotionally charged event for us already, I found myself a bit overwhelmed at times, thinking that I would ever dare to think I had a limitation or deficit. The students receiving awards face adversity, disability, and limitations every second of every day. They speak their words through interpreters or voice boxes. They come to the podium in a wheel chair with limited "normal" body functions or the ability to hold their head up. They come from the lowest of self-esteem to being able to speak to a large crowd in a banquet hall setting. They learn to communicate only to be made fun of...and they come from countries torn apart by war, deaf, with severe challenges, only to grow up to help their family prepare for their US citizenship test to become proud Americans and to stand as an eloquent young man asking his teacher to accept a standing ovation for all the help she has given him. Oh, how the stories do not stop there. The list is endless but the outcome is the same...they have all risen above their challenges, they cling to faith for a better time, and they are role models and inspiration to the other students around them and they dream of a better tomorrow. They do not let their challenges define them or allow excuses. They play sports, lead community service efforts, participate in Leadership classes, perform at their jobs, show up and smile. They have a reason to get up, show up and live life. More than kudos to their parents, whom most of the students thanked first and foremost. Without a mother, father, family figure, they know they would not be where they are today. And more than kudos to the tireless efforts of each teacher who takes their place in the classroom each day, day after day, with their own spirit, smile and determination.

I think of what sometimes seems the biggest mountain for me to climb, or for those who share their stories with me. I often wonder how I am going to live my life with this pain and heartache, how will I do it, when will it end? I think of my sister, who by my brother-in-law's admittance, has to help him with his shoes and socks each day as he is pained from the blood cancer in his body. I think of my neighbor who is eulogizing his wife this day, after she left this earth on the heels of losing her second child, causing illnesses that stemmed from a broken, aging heart. Her desire to live this day had ceased. I think of a friend who has an incredible amount of healing ahead of her, physical, emotional and psychological. I think of another who has to endure so much radiation and chemotherapy that she cannot eat, sleep, walk or much less, find joy in this day. Then I think of all the inspiration that comes from pain and trouble, and I know that God carries us through those days. We all have them, or will. It will always be our turn to face a hard time or a loss. It is the inevitable and that is not morbid. That is reality. So, in the face of hard times, devastation, never ending pain, we must find the crack of sunshine, the pink sky and the light. We must find the simple joys, the moment of comfort, even if it is just looking at a daisy in a jar!

Inspired? Yes, indeed, more than inspired, again, a lesson learned. There is nothing but this day, thank you God, let me seize it and make it what it needs to be, following your plan, and not my own.

A second entry...

I so seldom write twice in one day, and sometimes only twice in one week, but my heart is full at the prospect of yet another milestone this evening, the presentation of the second annual Allison M. Haake Memorial Scholarship to be awarded to a very deserving young lady who our own Allie would have loved to meet. And she did meet her, just in another way. I am filled with complex emotions and thoughts, first and foremost, that another year has gone by and here we are, making our second family selection and presentation. Time really has little meaning, now, when it all becomes relative and you live life one day at a time, but still, a year. Where has it gone, and how do I find myself at yet another milestone?

Overall, my emotions rage and range in varying ways...the overwhelming generosity of all those who made this moment possible, the continuing donations of dollars or support of our efforts as a family, hoping to give back in memory of our daughter. Every dollar, ten dollars, hundred dollars has enabled us to give generously again this year. And for those who cannot donate in monetary ways, the love and care and giving that has taken place to enable us to fund such an event leaves me speechless. I am thankful Joe will be making tonight's presentation, and that Jennifer did so, last year, for I cannot imagine standing before a group of people, saying the words that need to be said. For each word has so much meaning behind it.

Our family will have a few close guests with us tonight, sharing in the moment, and with everyone who has walked this journey with us, I am held up by your love and kindness. To the depths of my soul, I need you all with me tonight, to hold me up and together, in dignity and strength, to reach out and make a difference in the name of my daughter. Those physically present will be my guiding strength, and my sister and other family and friends will be the rock of my soul. I do not journey alone.

Inspiring Stories

Every day, and I do mean every day, someone we talk with is facing or dealing with some form of life changing event. Those challenges range from one spectrum to another, loss of a loved one, chronic illness, depression, fatigue, adversity, loss of a job, and the list goes on. It can depress us if we allow it to do so, but it is in these amazing stories that many of us become inspired, motivated to keep going, knowing that if those friends and loved ones can do it, we surely can, as well. When I began this blog it was my intent to share stories, those of inspiration, those that give us hope and determination to seize the day and live it to our best God-given ability. I have never read any of my former entries, but I do know that they have been mostly about my journey as a grieving mother, learning how to live and "be" in a world that has sometimes become so completely foreign. My writings have been my own outpouring of emotion at times, and sharing my heart has become a part of this process called healing. I had no intents and purposes for the blog, I knew that it would evolve as intended. In many ways, I suppose the writings have poured from my soul, even when tears could not. The spirit within moves me to get it out, and it's incredible how "free" I can feel after expressing myself, only to become bogged down again, needing to release once more, and share. I have no idea why I write, or to whom, but if it serves as nothing other than to be my own legacy, or assist someone else, someday, some way, then I know that doing so was one of the purposes of this life I now live.

Still, I had hoped to share other stories, so that I can remember and learn from them. And that is exactly what this life, and all its circumstances, is all about. If we are not touched by stories or real lives enough to make a difference or change in our own, then the story is not worth sharing. Some can hear and feel these stories so deeply, yet never make a change or find hope in their own life. Others can feel the pain so intently that they are almost immobilized. I am learning how to balance the two, share the journey with others, care and support, lend the hand and resources to their cause, walk along side, pray without ceasing, and learning the lesson that their own experience is here to teach. It is amazing and incredible how the classroom of life is more engaging and interesting than any textbook class I took in college! There's so much to learn from every one's story, each other's example, and the light they share along the way.

We all have everyday heroes, those who by their very example, lead us to be better people. Some we meet for a few minutes, some we have known for a very long time. Some are right under our noses, some are mere acquaintances. All make a difference in shaping us. Yes, Allison, herself was an every day hero. Most would never understand or fully comprehend just how much she taught us, in 21 years, but especially in her last 11 weeks. When others ask me how I go on, how I do it, how we can present a scholarship this very evening in her memory without melting and faltering, I can only say, that their strength doesn't come from a daughter who led by example every time she had to get blood drawn, receive chemotherapy, or radiation, or to respond to news that this cancer was finding its way to all parts of her previously strong body. Their daughter didn't carry a scripture to every treatment so that she connected with God and His medicine and their daughter didn't leave lasting words of love and hope and light in her final breaths. Sure, their daughter didn't face pain and limitations and need to be moved or rolled over in the night, their child didn't have to face issues of leaving one world only to enter another, their daughter didn't face the loss of hair and body functions, yet make the best of it with a prevailing attitude that left her family to know that no pain, physical or emotional, cannot be tolerated. But their daughter or son, or loved one, or self, has a story, teaches us a lesson and lights a life, even a life of someone they may never meet.

So, I look forward to sharing inspiring stories on my blog, ones that I hope will make us better human beings, reach out in kindness, stop as we look in the faces of people, not knowing at all what "story" they carry, but knowing they have one. We all have one and some need to be told.

The Unknown

This morning, this day, every day, really, I find myself facing so many unknowns and uncertainties. Like so many others, I want answers, I want the churning and yearning to ease up, to be settled and to find the purpose to my being. I want God to reveal to me, in no uncertain terms, just what I am supposed to be doing with all of this knowledge, understanding, awareness, experience, heart-felt empathy, and even the empty hollow of my heart. I need to know, I want to know, but again and again, I must rely on faith to get me through, to help me make some form of movement, to trust that there is clear and distinct purpose to His plan for me. I pause to think about what faith really is and I am blessed, as so many have expressed to me, with a faith that knows no boundaries, really. A trust in God the Father, that He is going to work it all out for good. But the faith doesn't just come, it arrives with a price and it is not easy. I have learned that the test comes when I must lend credence to the lip service, to know and carry it with me, to the depths of my soul, to the outward life I live. Faith cannot be faked, it is real and solid and good and nourishing. It is there when nothing else is, when no one else is, when the trench is so deep that you literally feel like you are climbing out, inch by inch, bit by bit. Faith is the glimmer, the speck of hope and light and love, and the knowledge that it cannot be seen, held, or touched. It is the knowledge in the inner sanctum of your soul, that God is holding you up and using your life for His own design. Still, I am human and I want to know, God, what do you want from me? Am I where you want me at this moment in time? Do you really want me to know what I know, feel what I feel...and just then, the answer comes. It comes in the form of a phone call from a newly grieving mother on a Saturday morning, who needs to hear, from another grieving mother, that she is going to be okay, she needs to know that her breathless moments will ease up, in time, yes, to surge again, but that this is all part of it. She needs to know that the loss of a child is different for each of us, yet, we carry the same bond, as we carried the children under our hearts in our physical bodies. She needs to know that the fatigue of early grief, the all consuming pattern of life, will someday change, and she will taste, hear, see again, albeit differently, never to be the same, but she will live. She will dance, she will sing, she will smile, she will breathe. And it is then that I know, God does define my purpose, He has provided an opportunity and a privilege to me, a way of opening my heart to those who walk in my shoes, and I, in theirs. He is setting the path as we speak, for the next person, and the next, and the next. There will be more and more who need me and who I need, and He is seeing to it that the circle of life tightens and bonds more significantly.

There are so many unanswered questions as we journey together. It is our nature to want the answers, but in many cases, they are not coming. They never will. So, we rely on that power greater than ourselves, and for me, that is God above. And we rely on faith. It seems a risk at times to extend our sense of trust into an unknown realm or world, but the risk is worth taking. With the risk comes peace and contentment and knowledge, and in faith, beauty and newness is revealed.

"Faith is the centerpiece of a connected life. It allows us to live by the grace of invisible strands. It is a belief in a wisdom superior to our own. Faith becomes a teacher in the absence of fact." ...a quote by Terry Tempest Williams, found in a daily meditation book, given to me, by yet another new connection, a newly grieving mother, who is searching, too.

Be An Example

This day, it is as if I can hear Allison whisper to me, "mom, be an example". I think I am feeling and sensing those words because I want to falter. I want to collapse and not do this anymore. I have moments when I don't want this to be my life, but I thank God that those moments are seldom, and short lived. I still feel, at times, as though I am living an out of body experience and don't know how to stay the course. I surely cannot drive a course that is so totally unchartered and not mapped out...this was not to be my life. But it is my life, and my journey, and I liken it to being lost in a forest where the trees are so lined and twisted that you hold on to each one, trying to get free, walking toward that glimmer of sunshine that you know is there, that you can see, but you just cannot grasp. But the trees stand for something to me, they stand for the challenges, the pain, the twists in my heart, but they also stand for the strength, the pillar of hope as I make my way toward the glow outside the depths of despair.

Still, as I maneuver, and tread through murky times, I know as well as I know my own name, that God has chosen me (and us) for a time such as this. He, and Allison, desire that we be the example. Sometimes I am not sure what all that entails, for each day is different, sometimes each hour can be different. I can be so engrossed in life, with a smile in my heart and a glow in my soul one minute, and the next, I can realize and comprehend just what this journey has done to our family. Through it all, God has answered my prayers and shows me how to be that example. He inspires me to stay curious and involved, to try new things, to seek new hobbies. He directs others to me who are at stages where I once travelled, and asks me to listen or share a bit of hope, that one day, they, too, will emerge from the darkness and live without their child. He holds me up when there is no other logical reason that I am still standing. He provides the promise of another spring and summer, when my physical self aches to the core, wants so desperately to have my two daughters together once again, make that family of four visible and strong, taking the vacation that was a summer tradition, but knowing I must learn to live with Allison in a new and vital way. He is teaching me lessons, through the experience, that I would never have known and has given me a purpose beyond any college training or career.

To Allison I say, I don't know what type of example I can truly be, but I am willing to keep learning, and to live strong, to make God proud of the ones He chose for this journey, to free your spirit and let it soar. I will keep seeking answers to the question, "how do I do this", and I know they will come. I will rely on God for the strength and the perseverance that this journey takes as I find my way, as the triggers come, and the grief is dealt with...I pledge to be your example.

Holidays..and counting chairs

It's another beautiful day, and in the promise of the Easter story comes hope and renewal and rejuvenation. The "new normal" is to understand more fully the significance of each holiday, each day, really. While this day is not really unlike any other, it holds a special place as celebrations and family rituals evolve. Holidays do that, and in loss, they are painful, yet joyous. I embrace them, set the table, make the meal, coordinate the colors, all in the name of tradition. I haven't always hosted the Easter dinner, the Haake women have taken turns, but back in the day, it was always at Grandma's house. Why is it that her ham and her augratin potatoes taste so much better than mine?! This year, it is here in our home and is a welcome diversion in many ways. I shopped for the food, am in the process of preparing, silently going about my way, thanking our God above for the blessings and for the resurrection which surely took Jesus from victim to victor. He refused to succumb and be a martyr as he endured the ultimate and complete suffering, instead, he asked his God to forgive and bless those who inflicted the pain. What a story and what a legacy and what a reason to rejoice this day. The lessons are limitless when we keep understanding and comprehending just what this day means to each of us.

So, Christians gather and celebrate the story and the life we were given through the promise of that suffering and resurrection. And we bring our families together in the name of Easter, enjoy a dinner, embrace the time together, for in our family, as in most, we know life can be all too short. One day we will set the table and find that the chair that was occupied is no longer needed, or that someone else will occupy it, or that new birth will occur and a new generation will bloom, taking the seat of a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, niece, nephew, grandparent. There is nothing more heart and gut wrenching than to expect that person at the table, only to realize, we don't need to set that place for her this time. The empty chair cries out and we are sad and in pain. But the cycle of life goes around and around, and in our loss, we know that our precious one lives on in the heartbeat and core of our soul, that they are not ever truly absent, that the promise comes that today is all we have, and that in God's word, one day, when it is His timing, we will find the sweet reunion and fill the chair in His kingdom. For now, through tears and grief, we must find the joys, as we watch the neighbors hunt for Easter eggs, as we look out at Allison's tree and view the pink buds, as we understand the meaning of the cross, as we cling to hope and light and love, and celebrate what we can in this day of opportunity.

God's Agenda

As I contemplate the activities of my day, today and everyday, I am so grateful that God sends the messages through the Holy Spirit of what I should do...it's totally amazing to me that I can begin one thing, or head one direction in the car, with an intent and purpose, only to find that a call comes, or a need arises, or I change course without any warning. I am free to be and that is a beautiful gift in all of this pain and heartache. I am able to maneuver through the day at my pace, keep the balance, and God has given me time and resources and ability and health to do what He needs me to do. It's almost like I am having an out of body experience sometimes! I begin something, a task, a chore, an errand, and out of nowhere I will get His message...stop and write a note to someone in need, bake that cake for a friend, make the casserole, read a passage or devotional, play a certain CD with just the right song to get me through to the next minute, call a friend, right now, not later, but now. Then I find out that all these things were pertinent to my day and made a difference in theirs. God knows my purpose and I am trusting Him to guide me. It's true, I don't have the confines of going to work or any other commitment, and for that, everyone knows, I give thanks each and every day, even before I rise to meet the day. It is the true blessing in all of this, and I even whisper my thanks and love to Allison, and say, "do you know you made this happen...you gave me this gift, you give me the strength, I see your face and your approach to chemotherapy and radiation, and your love of life, and I will not disappoint you, I will live this day, for myself, for Dad, for Jen, for you, God has used you, Allison, in powerful ways and in the devastation of losing you from my physical life, God has set me free, to some extent, He is giving me new eyes and new gifts, taking me places I would never have dreamed of going, and time to explore and find myself, what a gift, what an agenda".

I don't have to know what I am doing, I am led and I am following God's agenda now, not mine, not one set for me, but His, and as I let go and trust Him to work it all out, there is freedom and peace that passes all understanding. I don't question anymore, I don't need to worry, He has it all covered and it has always been taken care of, it just took these experiences for me to understand more fully and clearly.

Today's agenda involves whatever He has planned for me.

Prayer Time

As morning unfolds and I find my way through a routine of devotions and prayer time, I am not sure why, but I am posting part of my prayer as I recite it, I type it as it comes, unrehearsed, non-scripted, but straight from my heart, this morning, when a pink haze creates a glow that sets the stage for a beautiful day....

Dear good and gracious God, I thank you for the opportunity to awaken to a new day, one you created with your goodness and grace. I thank you for your loving presence in my life and in the lives of those around me and in those I don't even know. I come to your throne several times a day, sometimes in quiet, sometimes in a panic, sometimes softly, sometimes through screams or cries, and you are always there. Thank you for being the constant force in my life. Thank you for the blessings you bestow in the form of a loving, kind husband, a vibrant, energetic, spirited daughter, caring siblings and friends, extended family, and all those you have brought into my life for a purpose. Thank you for the time you allowed me to be Allison's mother on earth and for the work you are doing through her and through us. Thank you for the strength and perseverance and a settled spirit you provide and for resources to allow me a gift of time for myself and to tend to all others. Thank you for the moon and the stars and the sun and the energy they bring. Thank you for the smile of others, even strangers, who cannot possibly know that I needed something positive in that moment of time. Thank you for carrying me through darkness and showing me light when I thought I couldn't breathe or go another minute in this walk of grief. Thank you for the health that surrounds me and for the opportunity to live this day. Thank you for allowing me to abandon self-pity and focus on you and the blessings you bestow. And, Father, as I thank you endlessly, I also ask your blessing on so many...the list is endless and I will continue later as I sit in quiet contemplation with you. I ask you to continue to hold Karen and Michael in the palm of your hand, for their journey is intense, but you are showing them the way. I ask your blessing upon friends who will find medical results this very week, Father, and I ask your intervention in their lives, so they come to know you, and walk with you, and know the freedom that comes from a loving God who carries us through every journey. I pray that if it is your desire and will, that they will be treated and cured and have time to spend with family and loved ones. Father, I ask your grace upon Kim and her family as they celebrate the life of her daughter who now rests in the peace and comfort of your arms. But their grief will be painful and strong and will take them on a journey like no other, and you will know their pain. Please be present in the service today and hold them together to celebrate the life they did have with their beloved Jessie. I hold in my own heart the pain of loss, Father, and I continue to seek your guidance and fatherly wisdom as I face new paths each day in this walk of grief. I pray every day that you will settle my spirit, that I can find my way, I can laugh, I can live, and I can honor you in all I do. I pray this day for those who do not know to find the gift of salvation in your words and love, for your word promises us this is all temporal, that the reward comes through eternal life. I pray we all prepare spiritually, as strongly as we do to accomplish the physical preparations. I pray I live each day to honor you and that when loss comes again, and it will, that we know our loved ones or friends are at peace and in the place you intended all along. Father, this world is difficult, challenging, painful, and even evil. I pray to stay focused on you and feel the sweetness of the journey you have planned for me. I thank you for the trust, the faith, the hope you provide with every word and for the holy spirit you send with the messages. I pray to be still and listen and to know you are guiding my life according to your own desires and will. As I close, I ask your blessing upon all of those in the ever widening circle of family and friends who face great celebrations and joys, as well as those who walk with a burden. May we all find our way to reach out and help in the way that is possible, through a smile, a kind word, a note, a meal, or the gift of time. May we not be so consumed with our own thoughts and burdens that we cannot open up to see that by helping others, we help ourselves and remain pleasing to your desires. Father, I praise you and I thank you and I ask these things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, who died so that we may live. Amen.

Simple Pleasures

Oh, the simple pleasures in life that have now become more like gifts to the soul. I take the time to savor them, to allow them to take place, to do my best to live in the now. I never knew that an extra hour in bed, just laying there, stretching, praying, planning, resting could be such a joy. Add a cup of coffee to that with my feet up on a pillow, oh joy! Add the company of my constant companion, Barkley that is:), to the mix, and it is pure bliss. Stir in the fact that I can plan my own day the way I choose, this one for domestic chores and regrouping and cooking for a friend, is an amazing blessing. I know how fortunate I am to be where I am and I ask God to never let me take advantage of it, to be pleasing to His desires, to give of myself and not wallow in my sadness that can overtake me on a dark, dreary day. Rather, I ask Him to help me find, and enjoy, the simple pleasures, and He does!

My blessing journal has taken on new meaning in the months, now going into years, since Allison passed away. In the early stages, I had to look so deep that it hurt, to find them. I knew they were there, but seeing and feeling was difficult as I wove through the shock of loss. It is still difficult. I still don't want to think of Easter dinner without her, I am overcome with heartache and tears when I find that we are on another threshold without her. I should be making her a basket for Saturday night, just as I did for 21 years and would have until they, my daughters, had children of their own. And knowing me, I would have continued! I don't know how I can endure moving from birthday to Easter to Mother's Day to more birthdays to summer to fall and then to the time that it started all over again. I feel as though I just catch my breath, for a minute, and the surges begin, sending signals to my heart and soul that it is time to face something again, and again, and again, without her here. I do not know how I will go on, but I do, and I am stronger for it. I do, and I will, and I will find the simple pleasures. The simple times that I may have never known could be so beautiful had she not left the legacy of living, living until we die, and then living on in a new and even more profound way.

So, I savor and enjoy and everything becomes a pleasure and a privilege. As I bake for my friend this day, I seize the moment, make something of it, find the true blessing in the now, and cling to the promise that blessings do come in broken times. Some days I have to look deeper and more intently to find them, but they are there. The gift of time allows me to keep searching and living and doing what the spirit drives me to do, to enjoy all the aspects of life that I either never noticed before or never took the time to indulge in...this is the day to grab hold and live, for I know there is a spirit about me that lives and leads for more than myself. God is using me in powerful ways and I am grateful. Overwhelmed, saddened at times, jubilant at others, but always, grateful.