Be An Example

This day, it is as if I can hear Allison whisper to me, "mom, be an example". I think I am feeling and sensing those words because I want to falter. I want to collapse and not do this anymore. I have moments when I don't want this to be my life, but I thank God that those moments are seldom, and short lived. I still feel, at times, as though I am living an out of body experience and don't know how to stay the course. I surely cannot drive a course that is so totally unchartered and not mapped out...this was not to be my life. But it is my life, and my journey, and I liken it to being lost in a forest where the trees are so lined and twisted that you hold on to each one, trying to get free, walking toward that glimmer of sunshine that you know is there, that you can see, but you just cannot grasp. But the trees stand for something to me, they stand for the challenges, the pain, the twists in my heart, but they also stand for the strength, the pillar of hope as I make my way toward the glow outside the depths of despair.

Still, as I maneuver, and tread through murky times, I know as well as I know my own name, that God has chosen me (and us) for a time such as this. He, and Allison, desire that we be the example. Sometimes I am not sure what all that entails, for each day is different, sometimes each hour can be different. I can be so engrossed in life, with a smile in my heart and a glow in my soul one minute, and the next, I can realize and comprehend just what this journey has done to our family. Through it all, God has answered my prayers and shows me how to be that example. He inspires me to stay curious and involved, to try new things, to seek new hobbies. He directs others to me who are at stages where I once travelled, and asks me to listen or share a bit of hope, that one day, they, too, will emerge from the darkness and live without their child. He holds me up when there is no other logical reason that I am still standing. He provides the promise of another spring and summer, when my physical self aches to the core, wants so desperately to have my two daughters together once again, make that family of four visible and strong, taking the vacation that was a summer tradition, but knowing I must learn to live with Allison in a new and vital way. He is teaching me lessons, through the experience, that I would never have known and has given me a purpose beyond any college training or career.

To Allison I say, I don't know what type of example I can truly be, but I am willing to keep learning, and to live strong, to make God proud of the ones He chose for this journey, to free your spirit and let it soar. I will keep seeking answers to the question, "how do I do this", and I know they will come. I will rely on God for the strength and the perseverance that this journey takes as I find my way, as the triggers come, and the grief is dealt with...I pledge to be your example.