Detours

The detours of life are mind boggling at time, they take me places that are foreign and unknown. Like the ones on the road to vacation, or even just to my favorite store, they come up unexpectedly and often without notice. Perhaps there were signs to warn me, to tell me that at some juncture, another route would need to be taken, but I miss them. I miss them as I travel in my own world and mind, perhaps in a fog, or not glancing that way or the other. I miss the signs. And then I am on top of the twist or turn that I did not expect to make. So, I go with it, and know that I will come out where I am supposed to because some one has taken the time to put up the signs, figure out the route, and get me to my destination. I find my way, I arrive, and I am guided.

I know I am guided in my grief work, as well, but from such a different source. God guides me in this quest, gives me His word as resource, provides more affirmations and soul searching than one could desire, but still, I often find myself blindsided by the detours. We learned more about detours than we thought possible with the day to day living with cancer. Talk about detours! Allison had many each and every day of her eleven week walk to live. It was staggering what she fought through, lived through, cried through, laughed through. More staggering was just how quickly cancer was moving and taking over her body, bit by bit, step by step. Her detours were magnified each day as she faced treatment after treatment, drug after drug, and plan after plan. The plan had to change like the wind as the cancer invaded everything but her soul. Her detours built character and did not rob her, or us, of anything. Of course, there was frustration, and the not knowing, the fatigue and the pain, but there she was, a model for all of us, in ways we could never imagine.

So, Allison has become my compass in my own detours. I refuse to complain, how could I anyway? Nothing in life will compare to what she faced and endured and triumphed over! While I cannot bear to look down the long road of living without her I remind myself, that today's detour is just that. I don't have to, I refuse to, rather, I choose to live in the moment. My day, in itself, will hold detours. I will have a plan, such as today is cleaning day, and catching up day, but who knows what other roads I will travel. I will go with the spirit, be guided by one who left me/us way too soon, if the tears come, they will be shed, if laughter prevails, I will go with it, I will know it's okay, I am learning. I am learning so much. I will take the detour of my life. None of this was planned. No one has the road mapped for me, or for any other grieving soul, telling us how to do this, how to live, gather as a family as we did this weekend for a milestone 60th wedding anniversary of her grandparents, how to celebrate these birthdays, and plan for vacation without her. No one will map it out and help me get to the other side. Because no one knows how to do this. There is no course. There is no map. There is no sign telling me which way to turn. There is only me, support and love of family, a loving God who provides, and her, a spirited daughter who left a legacy bigger than life for those she loved. She is ever present. She understands the detours. She took the high road. And she taught us well.