Without Her

We don't have a week such as this without missing her, longing for her, wishing that she would be at just one of the dinners, the celebrations, sharing cake or opening gifts...this is the week of all weeks, holding my birthday, her dad's birthday, her grandmother's birthday, her grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary, and Father's Day all in ONE week. So to weave in an out of the celebrations, find our way, live through, and enjoy the explosions of life, well, to say the least, it is difficult without her.

Without her we are no longer the same people. The birds, the trees, the surroundings, the celebrations look, and feel, different. Without her we keep trying to carry on, for we know when the sweet reunion comes at the end of a life well lived, there she will be, and none of this will even matter. It will be forgotten, as it has been already for her, and the heavens will embrace us and we will know no pain. But still, here we are, left to live, and move, and breathe, and celebrate these milestones, without her.

We will get through the moments. We have already had four birthdays without her, four Father's Days, and God willing, many more. Many more to behold and though there can, and most likely will, be tears, we will embrace them. We must. For each other. And for her. We have learned that the present moment holds much and is significant by reason of what it holds. This is the day we have. As my soul swirls and reminds me that something is coming, there are gifts to purchase, plans to make, as my heart races and lets me know I am doing all this, again, without her, I pray that God will keep me grounded and just where I am. That has been my coping way, even my mantra, since the day she left us, to live in the moment, and find its beauty. This is all I have, and this I know for sure.

I pray for courage, bravery, stamina, strength, faith for my daily walk. A walk that involves so many blessings, yet, a journey that I do not understand or comprehend, life without her. This life, without her, takes more self-discipline than I have ever had to know and I affirm that I have control over how much sadness will rule my life. I can spend the day giving in to the temptation of my heart, or I can capture that beautiful sunrise that came this morning, read, and learn, and seek and find.

The celebratory week has come, it is beginning. I won't close it off. I may want to, but I won't. I will accept the goodness that comes from it, and I will release the emotions when I can. I will find the joy and peace that is mine to find. I know I will, all the while, without her. Without her.