Expect That Miracle!

When Allison was diagnosed with lung cancer, as I wondered in disbelief how this could happen, I learned early in on the journey to expect a miracle. My idea of a miracle was that she was going to be "cured" and in remission and never would cancer be part of our lives again. She would grow older, graduate from college, perhaps marry and have children, and we would have many, many more years together. It would be me who would leave her first. I would not bury my own baby girl.

None of those things happened, and my expectation of a miracle changed. Still, I knew through it all that God performs miracles. That is not to say I didn't question, scream, beg, plead, offer choices if only He would spare my child. But I knew that miracles come to those who expect them. So, as I found my way to my knees on many occasions, and still do, I asked God to reveal them. I asked that I see them, those miracles that are "supposedly" all around us. And slowly, over time, inch by inch, bit by bit, they are becoming more clear. They emerged through her illness, her moment of passing and haven't stopped yet. In the early months and years (as if I have been at this a long time, no, I have not, I am no expert on this), I asked Him to provide me the miracle of simply getting out of bed. Give me a reason, I would beg. And the image of my daughter, Jennifer, would come to my mind, and my husband, leaving for work, every day, same time, same way, providing for the family. The least I could do was get up in those long and tumultuous winter months, that spanned too quickly to another winter, and another, and another. Some days my miracle consisted of getting up, buying groceries, and making a meal. That, indeed, was a miracle. Then, I could do a little more, and a little more, and one day I smiled, and one day I laughed, and I held parties, and gatherings, and we began to celebrate anything and everything, and every day was a miracle. It's a slow process, still, but I start each day by asking God what the miracle will be, and I look for it. It's always there, in between the muck and yuck of my life, in between my pain and sadness, and tears and fears, it is there, and so far, it is what gets me up each day....expecting (and looking for) that miracle.

I could list them all, but I carry them in my heart. They are not big, or profound, or even what I expect. I just know they are coming. I don't complain of being tired, or in pain, or sad or depressed, because I know that is going to change. But it changes because I listen to what God is telling me to do. At least I try. Sometimes I have to really work at it, hard and long, and diligently and I just don't get it. I don't understand. But as I hear bad news, and I travel to my sister, yet again, to be here while she and Michael absorb and comprehend and try to make sense of their decisions, and as I hear of more and more friends being diagnosed, or losing their homes, and their loved ones, I know that God has used Allison in powerful ways. He used her as our miracle, to give strength to Michael as he travels such a similar journey that none of us can comprehend, He uses her to light a path of unknown, to take our fears away, to let go and let Him be the compass. He uses her to help us shed the tears that must be shed so we can find healing and comfort and a unity of purpose as a family. He uses her to inspire others to fight the fight with dignity and strength, courage and bravery. He uses her to guide me and show me that I must wake up every day, expecting the miracle of the moment.

Yesterday's miracle came at the airport Starbuck's, when on the marker board, in the wee hours of the morning, there was a sign listing the daily coffee drink. In red and pink marker, it was written, today's drink of the day, "iced vanilla latte", and beneath that, "made with love, by allison", written with hearts all around the words, just as she always wrote her name. I smiled, and said to myself, of course it is. My travel plans of layovers and hours in airports were just made all that much better by my own personal miracle of the day. I knew I would reach my destination, even if there were delays, even if I had to stay in an airport longer than expected, even if my life held much turbulence. And I knew Michael would have a restful day, a day of peace, and that my sister would take one more step in knowing that God is in control. We are going to continue to expect that miracle, and wait to see how it is revealled.