I never would have imagined that one person could bear so much pain, yet find so much beauty. I have learned that they are truly connected, this pain that is really indescribable and the beauty that comes from it, both too deep to even find words to explain. There is grace in suffering. God's grace. He gives it to us to help find our way and when there seems no reason to keep breathing, living, or moving, there He is, with the treasures at hand that give me that ah-ha moment, that second where I know I can breathe in and get to the next minute. I don't always want to, I want this to end. I know and trust it is all to make me stronger, wiser, live out my purpose, but I ask the question often, what is all this for? Why do I have to endure this? What do you have planned, God?
I cannot do anything simply anymore. I cannot respond YES to wedding receptions or graduations or showers...at least for some. Some are simple and can involve little or no intense emotion, so I can do it. Others, well, it involves digging deep to a part of me that I do not know. I do not want to know. I keep trying to get to know her, the new me, the ever evolving me, the transforming me. The me that once was known for socialization has to plan, affirm, work at, and find strength just to BE. But I do what I can and I call on God's strength more than I would have ever imagined. I know He is feeling good about that!
The pain I experience now is truly connected to the beauty I see, the beauty of the future, and the beauty within. I understand it on many levels. I don't wish any of it away. I have learned to take this day as it is presented and make it work. I cannot say I will ever understand why I am here to do this, and she is not part of that, but each day I grow a little stronger, then weaker, then I vascilate. But that is okay. That is grief.
I am overwhelmed by the beauty around me. Would I have seen it so clearly, so intently had she not left before me? Am I here to soak it all in for both of us? Am I the mother who watched her child take a last breath so that I can put on that new set of glasses, open up my heart, find my senses to be awakening with each passing day? Did her passing teach me so much more about the passage of time? Would I have learned what it is to savor the simple things in life? So many questions. So many answers. And in my soul, I know what they are. I am left to capture the beauty, to make new memories, to see beyond the surface, to feel things that I never thought possible, yet to be numb and staggering as I maneuver this new phase of life...life that could never have been planned or imagined.
I continue to pray to be enlightened. I am a student of God's word, and I do my best to apply the teachings. I want to learn and I want to know what God's hopes and plans are for me. I don't want to be idle, and I am not. I don't let grass grow under my feet, as they say! But in staying active and busy and focused and involved, I am doing so with a sorrowful burden, a body that still feels emotionally and physically crushed, and a crying heart.
It might be natural to wish for a day when all this pain will be gone. I don't know if that will ever happen. I haven't done this before. Sometimes I don't even know what to wish for, pray for, hope for. I don't know where I am going and I don't know where I have been. But I am thankful that a loving God DOES know, and He is helping me take the wheel of life, gripping it with all my might, and I am not letting go, I am learning to drive, live and BE.
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