This truly IS the day the Lord has made...and the fact that we are here to begin a new year, a new part of the journey of life, is amazing. I often wondered, and still do, how I would LIVE without my child, my young woman of a daughter, how would I stay upright, keep a home, family, marriage in tact. It's no accident. It doesn't just happen. It takes conscious thought, effort and constant prayer. I know God never tires of me asking for continued guidance, help and assistance. Sometimes it is just to get to the next minute, sometimes the next day, or just through the dark of night. This week, it is to help ease my spirit of her last days as we head to the glorious morning of January 9th, not a day of death, in my eyes, but her everlasting life, where there was no doubt that God heard our cries and took her to his sweet arms of relief and love. The doctors and nurses, along with all of us, close family and dear friends, witnessed a miracle. This is not just something determined by one grieving mother. We hear the stories over and over again. There was no rhyme or reason Allison's physical body could or should go so quickly, one day sitting up coloring in those books brought by her beloved Sandy, eating small bites of Kentucky Fried Chicken, to 48 hours later, gone from our physical grasp.
This is not to say there were not transitions, pain and confusion. As she volleyed between this world and the next, there was much to be discussed. There was much to say and we held on to every second. We still do. Her death taught us so much about savoring the moment. The more difficult moments do spring to my conscious thought, and I pray to dismiss them, and try to focus on the life. Still, the journey of cancer in a child, in a loved one, leaves you changed forever. Never, ever will I look at things the same.
As I try and long to release a little of the grief that settles in the pit of my stomach and whole being, I want to cry out...I still ask the questions, and God still provides the answers. One thing I know for sure, is that our plan is not His. God knows no timeframe. WE are the ones that do the imposing of time. For, when we really think about it, we are here such a short time, it is the life that Allison now leads that is our ultimate purpose. Still, in the darkness, as I search for the light, I can be as confused, uncertain, and restless as she was, as she found her way to the glorious Kingdom of God.
The peace eventually came and we all held on for dear life, this one, and the one hereafter. We found that her body could not sustain any more treatments on January 2nd. The "Happy New Years" and hopes, dreams and plans faded quickly, and January 1, 2007, was our last day of innocence. We went from hoping and praying that she would live a quality of life for several more months or years, to accepting that it would be days, then hours. We grew stronger with each passing moment, each breath, and we lived. She saw to it. She allowed us all, including herself, the day to grieve, but sucked it up and made sure that whatever time we had left as a family, we would play, and laught and color, and EAT! We didn't know it would be nine days, but once we gave all control to God above, He took it from there and did what was necessary. He created an angel who was free from pain and worry and in doing so, has developed a family who now knows that nothing is impossible. We can do whatever is set before us, with the grace and mercy of His favor.
It's another day and another year, the loss of innocence sets in, the pain of those days, yet the hope and belief that God hears us, in it all we were given that tangible gift. It does not take away the grief, the loss, the indescribable pain, but our Allison really didn't die this week, just 3 short years ago, she lived.
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