Swimming

I'm not much of a swimmer, never have been. I am not all that comfortable in water. really. When I visit the ocean, I may go up to my knees, further in the south, ankles in new england! I can tread water and I can stay afloat if I must. But I like walking in pools and doing the little bit that I can. Lately, though, I feel the pull of water, as a sense that washes over me. I feel like I am in water, I even dream about it, not gasping for air, not struggling, just moving through a foggy, rather murky water and I must stay afloat. I feel like I am treading water, even as I walk, move, breathe, sleep. I suppose that is what the subconscious does to one when intense times come. I imagine that it must be some kind of symbol that I am trying to clear the path with my arm and hands, doing all that I can to get to the next destination. But what is it? How will I know that all is clear? When will the simple act of "living" feel effortless and when will the fatigue of this "swimmer" be minimized?

I doubt that there are answers to my questions. I believe that they come through trust and faith and love. I have to know that around the bend, or through the murky waters, I am, one day, going to feel less emotionally fatigued, that my legs will hold me up and carry me with more strength, and that I won't keep treading through the unknown.

Until that time, I work to move through the gravitational pull that tries to take me down. The emotional trauma takes time to "wear off", and the shock will begin to dissipate. I already see that it is shedding, some. I see the beauty in the water, the trees, the cycle of the seasons. Yes, they bring pain, in the form of "triggers" and reminders, but the energy that comes from them is a gift when despair sets in. They are there as God's finest creations, there to provide a purpose under heaven, to show us about life and death, the earth will help us. We draw our strength from a powerful source.

And we are never really alone. This I have come to know. Even if I were to not have the support and love of family and friends, I would not be alone. God promises that He will always be there, and I keep looking, and asking, as I tread upstream on many days. In the book of Isaiah, 43:1-5, it states, "The Lord who created you says, do not be afraid, I have ransomed you, called you by name, you are mine. When you go through deep waters, you will not drown, when you go through great trouble, I will be with you through rivers of difficulty and fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, you are precious to me, you are honored. I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Thank you Beverly, for sharing this scripture with me at such an appropriate time, a time when I can literally feel as though I will not come out of the waters. It reminds me that we are all children of God, something that can easily be forgotten, I know Allison was, all God's children, but sometimes I can lose sight of the fact that in His eyes, I AM his child, and He is tending to all my needs.