Dear Allison, I just want you to know that today is a snow day. Enough said. I may make cookies for obvious reasons and to fill the house with the sweet smell of days gone by. Or I might change course and find other productive ways to fill the day. I want you to know that since the wee hours of the morning, I cannot sleep. I feel you with every move and my heart beats faster and faster as we move toward the 9th, waiting for what? I already know what. I want you to know that I miss you. I want you to know that I don't how I am doing this, living without you. I want you to know that at 4:00 a.m. I snuck into "your" bed, and got under the new quilt made in your honor, and I found myself a position that felt like it formed to your physical body. Yes, I know, in three years in all the loved ones who have slept in that bed, your form should be gone, but it isn't. It was there and it let me conform and finally get some sleep, in peace and in love.
I want you to know that I really didn't want to let you go. It pained me like no other event in my life, But I knew I had no choice. I had to release you to God's capable hands. I want you to know that with every beat of my heart since that morning, I want to cry and even scream. Did you know that I have had angry moments? I want you to know the truth. Grief is ugly. But life is not.
I want you to know how proud you would be of all who loved you. I wish I could write every person whose life you have changed, even for those you never knew. People have shared so many wonderful stories of hope, because, as they know your story, or look at your smile, they can make it through their own trial? They can plan beautiful services of remembrance for their loved ones, or they can walk the journey of cancer, for you charted the course.
I want you to know how your father continues to stay true to his vows and commitments and grows stronger every day. I want you to know that when you had your last night together he became a different man, and your hero, I know. And Jen's and mine. I want you to know that he stays stoic and true to the purpose of living strong for you and Jen and me. His heart is breaking and his spirit does weaken at times, but he concentrates on his purpose, and the courage and strength you left him, not to mention the words exchanged at the "end" provide his map for living this day. His beautiful, unique relationship with each daughter won't let him rest.
I want you to know that as your sister laid with you in those final hours, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that your spirits merged and became one, new and beautiful creature. She remains her own person, yet blends with who you were and are to her, and lives strong in ways none of us could have predicted. Your death, turning to life, has set her free to BE. I want you to know that I love you for that. You made all of this happen by example and faith. I wish you could see her apartment and the life she is making, the choices, the living she is doing.
I want you to know you are my source of strength as it relates to my life and purposes, second, of course, to the Lord above, who strengthens us. But even you helped me see that. I knew it before, but not as intently. I want you to know that the ending of your life has begun mine. That makes me sad. But as you would say, it is what it is! My senses are more alive and I know the true meaning of hope.
I want you to know that I detest cancer and all that it entails. I don't need to go into that, you already know. I sometimes scream at it and I know that every day someone else is facing it. Right here in your own family. And it could happen again, to any of us. But I want you to know that your journey has assisted so many in theirs. They find me, they call me, and I have met the most amazing souls because of your journey and influence. Tell me that was not part of God's magnificent plan.
I want you to know that I fill my days. I do cry, at times, and I won't say less and less....sometimes it feels like more and more. But I read that tears are good and I could go into all the scientific reasons! But I won't. Sometimes I wish I could just cry a river and feel better for a minute, but I can't. And when I don't want to, or least expect to, there they are, the tears that will not stop. I cry most comfortably with my sister. That may be a burden for her. But she lets me and has this way about her that simply knows what I need when I need it. And sometimes she will cry, too. She misses you. She has a lot on her plate and should cry. But she has a lot to live for, too, and you have walked Uncle Mike through his own cancer walk. We all certainly wonder how he would have fared had he gone this alone, not paved by one of his favorite girls!
Speaking of relatives, I want you to know they are all finding their strength, your aunts and uncles, grandparents, and of course your friends. I want you to know that at every family gathering your candle is lit and shines brightly, no fancy ceremony, just that tangible flicker that says to us, you are here. But we know it, because we are learning how to live with you in our hearts, and not in our grasp. Aunt Kathy hosts the Thanksgiving and Christmas because I am not ready, and she weaves her special touches into each. The emotional fatigue of those events is so grueling, and surprising, given how much I once loved to entertain. But I am thankful. Because I get overwhelmed easier. I can only take so much social interaction. I find it most difficult to be in larger groups or functions where a lot of small talk must take place. I cannot do it anymore. I am learning what I can do and what I cannot, who I can spend time with, and who I cannot. I am reading everything in sight, starting with the Bible, front to back, I take notes like a student, and I am learning. I even took notes on a show last night about happiness and learned so much about the human spirit. (I feel you smiling right now, and saying, of course you took notes, mom:)
Allison, how can you be gone when you are so present? Why does my heart ache and the tears fall so quickly this morning, why is my sleep interrupted as I recall these last nights? Why is it so painful when we know we live to die? Why did you have to leave us so soon? I know, I know, that is all part of the mystery and the LESSON. And you know I like a great lesson! So, my child, I will continue to learn it, please continue to guide me, I know not how to do this, yet, here I am, doing it.
Lastly, for now, and we both know I could keep going, maybe I will later again, today. But lastly, I want you to know that because of you and Barkley, we agreed to adopt Rex. We didn't want to, we said no way, but here he is. I want you to know that I never thought I would care for, or love, another dog, but my heart is opened. He is so unique. And I know that you and Jen feel I have the flair for embellishment, but he hugs like a person, ask Jen! And when he wraps his arms around my neck, I can honestly tell you that it was the best gift, him finding us, us saying yes, and taking him home, to your room, we now call Rex's room, but will always be YOUR room to all of us. He is a keeper and he is loved.
I want you to know so many things, Allison. In my own way, I want to keep typing and never stop, putting to words just what this journey has meant. And maybe I will keep on, it's part of my healing, but because of where you now reside, you already know. Yes, you already know.
My heart is yours,
Mom
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