Sunrise, Sunset

Yes, these are the days and nights that the sun set on Allison's life. It is a very tangible symbol to us now, the rise and fall of the sun, in a day, on a vacation, on a life. They have always held beauty to me, but now, they represent so much more.

We selected the song, "Sunrise, Sunset" for our wedding ceremony. It seemed appropriate (although I would only come to really understand just how much so as the years passed by) as a passage of youth to growing up, single to married, man to woman, season to season, signifying life changes. A man grows up, marries a woman, they make a life, and the sunrise and sunset of the years becomes more than literal. It has nothing to do with the scientific gasses any longer, it is symbolic for the seasons of life. And the sun rises and it sets, and there are good times, and there are difficult times. There are laughs, there are joys, there is pain, and there are tears. And we respond. And in the darkness, whether we are ready or not, willing to embrace it or not, comes the light.

When you get away to the ocean or the mountains or just the back deck, each sunrise or sunset offers many possibilities, and they are never, ever the same. That is why they hold so much beauty and their story is new every time. We can go about our business and not even notice, never stopping to savor them. But then, out of nowhere, the painful, difficult times occur and we begin to notice, like never before, just how infinitely rich and beautiful life is, and we sense just how God created it all, and that we must not take it for granted.

I look at these days, leading up to the morning of eternal peace for my daughter, as the sunset of her life. Of course, I am not speaking literally, yet, when I think and reflect on these nights, and I awaken with the memory, with fresh tears streaming down my cheeks from the pain so far down that I don't even know if it has begun to emerge, well...when I think of these "sunset" nights, her last with us, the final ones where we never left her side, I do feel sad, and pain, and the most intense emotional fatigue possible, but I see and feel the glory and the beauty. No mother knows, no father, sister, brother, knows, until they are given the glorious privilege of ushering their beloved from this world to the next, just what a sunset can mean. Not one I have ever taken a snapshot of, or viewed over the ocean, can compare. There is, and was, beauty in the moments and as the sun set on Allison's life, so did it rise, and stay overhead.

I can never seem to capture the sunrise or sunset photos the way I would like to, I look at them and while I see the beauty, they are never quite like the magnificence or the feeling of the moment the camera took aim. I have no photos of Allison's sunset days and nights, the days that brought the sun down on one life, but opened another. I don't need them, the images and feelings and memories are secure in my soul for always. But, still, we didn't know it was time. We thought we had more of it. But we didn't. She should not have gone from our grasp so quickly, she should have had more time with us, but what would more time have brought us? We would never have been ready. Neither would she, really. She knew it was time, but she didn't want to leave. She fought with every ounce of strength she had for many, many hours, just to live and go to her home. But as one night ended, and the sun set, and morning came, and the sun rose, we rocked her in our arms and she found contentment in simply being loved. That was all that mattered, loved by a family who needed nothing at that moment other than to ease her pain and troubles, and show her the way to a Loving God who would take it from here. He gave us that precious, indescribable time of closure, and the one final act of parenthood on earth. He gives us the sunrises and the sunsets, and each one holds its own meaning.

If we can find our way between the sun rising and setting each day, from that day forward, in these past three years, and in all the days and years to come, if we can weather this storm, maybe we will have a better sense of who we are and what we want most in life. And we will savor all that is around us, all who we love, and we will seize this day.