Curious

People are curious. People who I know, those I don't, and even complete strangers, are curious. And I get that. I am open to that, perhaps that is the "teacher" in me, always looking for an opportunity to "educate" others. That is what part of my purpose is now, to "teach" others about this journey of grief. Most of the time I don't mind the curious questions or glances, even stares. I can feel the question before it even comes. My senses are aware and even ahead of themselves. That may not make sense to some, but to me, and those who have walked in my shoes, we completely understand. We have to be aware, on guard, and prepared. Our armor has to be attached and ready for anything, now that we have lost a child and must live in a world that is not what it once was, a new, uncharted course that must be learned with each new day.

Curiosity does different things to different people! And it is interesting to be on this side of the questions, the opinions, the stares, the looks and the wonder. Depending on where my grief journey has taken me that day, that hour, that very minute, my answers can fluctuate...there can be tears, there can be real and honest responses, there can be no words because my throat has closed and my heart is breaking, there can be raw and blatant descriptions, so much so that the person asking may indeed become uncomfortable. But they ask, and I answer, at least when I can. And I know, in my soul, that I am left to help others understand.

I have always welcomed questions and opinions of others, so I suppose this is no different. Except, now, those opinions, when expressed with no knowledge or attempt at understanding, can cause me to be sensitive. Not the questions. But the judgments and opinions, oh yes, I can become offended. Because they come from nowhere and they come from people who may be trying to fill the air with comforting words, but instead, fill them with more pain...especially when I have been told, "well, at least you have another child", (God, don't they think I already know that and count my blessing every day and night for that gift), or when I am told that "time will ease the pain", (God, don't they know I pray everyday for this pain to be eased so that I may seize the day and live it as you desire). The statements about comparing always leave me speechless, as if to say that another mother who buried her child moved on a bit sooner, went out earlier, attended parties and celebrations without hesitation, (God, don't they know that each of our stories is different, and no loss can compare with mine?). I find myself sometimes just nodding my head when others share stories, while indicating I am not in a place that they thought I might be! I know they are curious. I am, too. I am curious as to how I am going to do this the rest of my life and maintain the dignity and grace that I pray to uphold? I am curious as to how I am going to attend weddings of her friends, and baby showers, and show up for life. I am so curious as to how I have even made it this far, to this day, to a time when she should be coming home or taking summer vacation with her family. I am curious as to how this is me and how this has become my life! But through all the curiosity, I understand that I am just where I am supposed to be, that God has my plan all worked out, and that He has me here for His own intents and purposes. What they are, I do not know, but I trust that He will show me, and I am never disappointed. Curious? Yes. But never, ever not willing to wake up and seize the day, count my blessings, and find my way.

I am a teacher and used to the curious faces of my students. Now I am just a teacher in a different way. I understand people and their curious nature. I know they look at me and wonder how I am upright and moving. I know they wonder why I can't attend a Christmas party and make the chit-chat of days gone by, and I know that they think I may be in a different place than where I am. I get it. I only wish I didn't, and I hope to God above they never have to know what I know. But in the meantime, as long as God gives me a new day to live, if it is His desire that I be the one to field the questions, help others understand, resist the urge to judge where we think others should be in their own journey. and to respond with grace, then I will answer the call and be prepared to meet the curious ones, head on, with a purpose and a strength that only comes from Him alone, and the spirit of my daughter who left before me.